


time, curious time (gave me no compasses, gave me no signs)

by therestisconfetti



Series: invisible string [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Canon Compliant, Companion Piece, F/F, basically santana's pov of her and britt's relationship over all six seasons, companion piece to time mystical time, minor Mercedes Jones, minor Sam Evans - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:46:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27501784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therestisconfetti/pseuds/therestisconfetti
Summary: It should be a sign, how easily she’s let Brittany into her life, how the walls never came up with her. Maybe she should’ve known by the way her chest expands at the sight of Brittany understanding something Santana’s very carefully explained. Maybe she should’ve known when a soft touch on her arm or grasp on her wrist from the blonde is enough to calm Santana down when she gets too angry. Maybe she should’ve known from the way she is so quick and insistent with her need to protect Brittany in the cruel world of high school, how angry she gets when someone makes Brittany think she’s any less awesome than she actually is.or: Santana falls in love with Brittany so suddenly she can't remember a time she didn't.
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: invisible string [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2009884
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	time, curious time (gave me no compasses, gave me no signs)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tank33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tank33/gifts).



> hi there! this is a companion piece to [time, mystical time (cutting me open then healing me fine)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591563). You don't have to read it first to understand this story - it's simply Brittany's perspective of events.
> 
> Tank33 suggested I write Santana's perspective of events over the course of six seasons, so I took the idea and ran with it. Obviously, with the nature of writing, some added scenes here to fit Santana's version of events, etc. Hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> title from invisible string by taylor swift

Santana has never really understood the concept of love.

Sure, she knows her parents and her abuela love her, but she doesn’t understand those love stories where the girl loves the guy and they get together and live happily ever after. The other girls in her classes dream about getting married and finding their prince charming, but Santana can’t be bothered. She just doesn’t get it.

Then Brittany S. Pierce twirls her way into Santana’s life.

It’s not an immediate understanding or realization, nothing like that. They become so in tune with one another seamlessly, happening so quickly that Santana blinks and it’s hard to think of a time where Brittany wasn’t her best friend. Quinn is in the mix, too, but more often than not, it is Santana and Brittany flitting down the halls together, pinkies linked and skirts swishing, one never without the other.

It should be a sign, how easily she’s let Brittany into her life, how the walls never came up with her. Maybe she should’ve known by the way her chest expands at the sight of Brittany understanding something Santana’s very carefully explained. Maybe she should’ve known when a soft touch on her arm or grasp on her wrist from the blonde is enough to calm Santana down when she gets too angry. Maybe she should’ve known from the way she is so quick and insistent with her need to protect Brittany in the cruel world of high school, how angry she gets when someone makes Brittany think she’s any less awesome than she actually is.

Santana was a goner from the start, but she has no clue.

“You’re my favorite person,” Brittany tells her often.

For now, Santana is just happy she’s finally found someone who just understands her in every single way.

* * *

Brittany’s her best friend, Santana reasons.

She’s her best friend, so of _course_ it’s only natural they are both curious... _together._

(She likes to forget the fact Quinn is _also_ her best friend but _they_ aren’t doing any of this stuff together.)

It’s nothing but a show at first, a party trick. Santana thinks Brittany’s the best kisser she’s ever come across - and Santana’s kissed a _lot_ of guys - but she’s pretty sure it’s only because they’re drunk and running off the adrenaline from people watching.

But then Brittany kisses her when they’re sober in the dark of her bedroom, and Santana is positive that Brittany’s kisses are the best she’s ever experienced, drunk _or_ sober. She doesn’t want her to stop, doesn’t want to forget the way Brittany’s lips move against hers.

Santana tells herself it doesn’t mean anything. 

But then Santana is asking about sex with a girl before she can stop herself and Brittany doesn’t shut down the idea at all, and really, Santana probably should’ve known better.

“Maybe they’re better than boys,” Brittany hums thoughtfully.

Santana blinks and swallows the lump in her throat before she answers, “Maybe they are.”

Brittany’s blue eyes are focused on her, and Santana just barely realizes they’re a little darker than they usually are. She feels like she should say something, anything, but any words she can think of die in her throat.

“We could always find out,” Brittany suggests, plain and simple.

It’s awkward and timid at first, neither of them quite sure if they’re doing it right, but Santana learns that Brittany’s touch is something no one else can even come close to. She is gentle but firm, and she has Santana arching her back and panting her name in a way no guy can. She likes the way Brittany feels, how she just knows exactly how to make Santana come undone. She also likes the way her name falls from Brittany’s lips, how she can make Brittany whine and moan and yelp with a move of her tongue.

It becomes a thing that they don’t really discuss further than a sly comment here or there, just for each other when no one else is around.

Santana is still sure that it doesn’t mean anything. She tells herself that best friends probably hook up at least once, and that’s basically the same thing that she and Brittany do.

“Sex isn’t dating,” she tells Brittany one day.

Brittany looks at her for a second before she’s nodding along like it makes perfect sense. “Okay, but we’re still best friends right?”

“Of course,” Santana nods without missing a beat.

Because they _are_ best friends. There’s just no way Santana has feelings for her best friend. Sure, the sight of Brittany alone is enough to boost Santana’s mood when she’s down and maybe when Brittany flashes that stupid smile at her, her heart beats a little faster, but that’s...that’s just what best friends _do,_ right? 

Santana’s got it all under control, but sometimes Brittany makes her nervous. She says things about dating that Santana can’t brush off and suggests singing some lovey-dovey duet in glee club, and Santana panics.

She panics and snaps then immediately regrets it when Brittany goes quiet. There’s a look on her face that makes Santana’s stomach sink, but she doesn’t take it back. She can’t because Brittany has to know where they stand. She can’t because Santana has always been this way, and not even Brittany can change that.

(Deep, deep down, Santana knows this isn’t just a _best friends_ kind of thing. She won’t admit it to anyone, though, especially not herself.)

* * *

Santana figured she had taken care of the _Artie issue,_ preying on his insecurities and forcing a break up. It’s not that Santana’s jealous, it’s just that she thinks Brittany can do way better than Artie. That, and she misses Brittany’s kisses and the way she makes Santana feel when they’re all alone.

It works, for a while, because Brittany is back in bed with her and it’s just as it always was, but sometime between the duet competition and Burt and Carol's wedding, Brittany starts _actually_ dating Artie.

But it _sucks,_ especially because they’re at a stupid wedding and Santana’s single while Brittany isn’t and it kinda really hurts. Puck pulls her away for a quick hook up in the bathroom before the ceremony, and this is usually what does the job - snaps Santana out of whatever stupid emotional bullshit she’s going through - but somehow, it doesn’t work this time.

Instead, all she can think about is _BrittanyBrittanyBrittany_. She hates watching Brittany wheel Artie down the aisle, how she smiles at him and laughs and kisses his cheek. Santana hates it, and she hates not being able to do anything about it.

So she comes up with the next best thing.

They are high on winning sectionals and getting the spotlight when Brittany asks her to stay the night and Santana is more than willing to oblige. Between Brittany’s rehearsals with Mike and her stupid hangouts with Cripps McGee, Santana hasn’t seen much of her best friend at all outside of practicing for sectionals and Cheerios practice.

“You were amazing tonight,” Santana tells her as they crawl into bed, freshly showered and still high off the win.

Brittany flushes, but she looks at Santana with bright eyes. “So were you, San. You were amazing. You’re the best singer, I don’t even know why Rachel even bothers.”

Santana chuckles softly, but softens because Brittany is looking at her with such admiration that she feels her chest grow tight. She’s never known what to do with these emotions, the ones that bubble inside of her when Brittany looks at her like _that._

She can’t help what her body wants, though. So she leans in and kisses Brittany. 

Brittany falls into the kiss like old habits and Santana almost sighs against her lips because she’s _missed_ this. She’s missed Brittany and the way she kisses her and how she immediately runs her hands up and down Santana’s back. It doesn’t take long before Santana’s straddling her lap, sliding her tongue into her mouth.

When Brittany lets out a moan, Santana can’t help herself. She’s gently guiding Brittany back against the bed, her body on autopilot because they’ve done this so many times before.

“Santana,” Brittany breathes out as Santana’s lips make quick work to her neck. “Santana, we can’t.”

Santana ignores her, hopes Brittany stops talking as she starts sucking at a particular spot she knows for a fact makes Brittany weak. She is rewarded with a gasp and a moan, and she has to stop herself from smirking against Brittany’s skin.

“I’m dating Artie,” Brittany points out weakly.

Santana pulls up to look at her, already has her hands on Brittany’s sleep shorts as she says, “It’s not cheating because the plumbing is different.”

As soon as it leaves her lips, her heart jumps to her throat. She hovers for a moment, waiting for Brittany’s response. She knows she’s teetering a very fine line here, that it all could come crashing down on her with whatever Brittany says next.

Brittany looks at her, darkened blue eyes trying to process what she’s being told. Santana holds her breath, hopes Brittany can’t feel the pounding of her chest.

“Okay.”

There is the slightest bit of guilt in Santana’s stomach, but it disappears when Brittany’s fingers find her just where she needs them the most. Brittany is _hers_ and for now, in this way, that’s enough.

* * *

She doesn’t _do_ feelings.

That’s why it’s so easy with boys. She has them falling over her, but she’s never actually serious about any of them, doesn’t picture the whole long-term, married with kids, situation with any. They’re falling at their knees for her and she gets what she wants, and then it’s done. It’s simple, it’s _clean._

Santana doesn’t need anyone.

At least, she didn’t until Brittany came into her life and threw her the biggest curveball she’s ever experienced.

It used to be this little thing they did was enough when paired with the random hook ups with boys. But now it’s not. It’s not because even though Santana and Brittany are still _Santana and Brittany_ in the way they’ve always been, it feels like it’s not enough. There is still a stupid ache in her chest when she watches Brittany and Artie from the back row in glee. There is disappointment in her gut when Brittany turns down plans with her for a date night with _him._ There is something about the way their pinkies don’t link as often as they used to, how Brittany’s secret smile is no longer only for Santana, but for Artie too.

Santana thinks she’s going to be sick. She doesn’t talk about it with anyone - the _last_ thing she needs is like, an intervention or someone to spill her deepest, darkest secret.

She’s in love with her best friend.

She can’t quite explain when or how it happened. There is no defining moment in their friendship where it all switched. Santana just knows there are touches and looks and laughs and smiles that make her fall more and more to the point where there is no turning back. She tries to think as far back as she can, wonders if it’s always been this way, but she can’t know for sure.

She just knows one thing: the way Brittany makes her feel? Yeah, no one’s ever come close to that.

Brittany makes all those stupid romance movies make sense. She makes all those feelings they talk about come to life. She makes the way her cousin talks about his girlfriend make sense because that’s what Santana feels when it comes to Brittany.

Santana has finally come to understand the concept of love, the one that’s always evaded her.

This sudden realization frightens Santana. She is so, so afraid of it that she doesn’t know what to do. She starts to think about all the nasty things people would whisper around school and it’s enough for Santana to decide she’s just not going to tell anyone. She’ll push it all down and not deal with it.

Especially now, without her Cheerios uniform to protect her, she knows she’d stand no chance if the school knew her secret.

(She knows she can only pretend it doesn’t matter for so long, especially when she realizes she’s been counting the smiles Brittany gives her in glee club, dying when the count on a given day is zero.)

* * *

Dating Sam was never actually about dating him.

Sam’s a good kisser, mainly because of his humongous lips, and even if he doesn’t have any game at all, he’s likable in a goofy, clueless way that Finn Hudson most definitely isn’t.

(She doesn’t admit it’s better than being alone while someone else is with Brittany, not at all.)

Brittany doesn’t really comment on the situation, offering a surprised look but then a “cool” when she sees them cuddled up in the choir room, and it kind of makes Santana deflate, just a little, when Brittany doesn’t react.

(She misses the way Brittany looks at them quizzically all throughout glee club that day, and she misses the way Brittany’s “I’ll see you later, San” lacks the usual enthusiasm it does.

She also misses the way Brittany is so intentional that night in the quiet space of Santana’s bedroom, taking her time and making sure Santana feels every bit of her.)

It doesn’t help that everything inside of her feels like too much all the time even while she dates Sam. But then Rachel Berry decides she wants to throw a party and Santana should’ve known this is where she’d lose control.

Santana has always been an emotional drunk.

She downs shot after shot when she’s not making out with Sam and his humongous lips. Being around Brittany and all their friends is easier when alcohol makes the bad things go away, which is why she practically shoves a nervous-looking Rachel aside when Brittany yells for body shots.

“God Berry, let me show you how it’s done,” Santana scoffs, swiping the lime from her hand.

“Santana!” Brittany exclaims, a drunken smile on her lips, and Santana hates how her insides warm at how happy Brittany looks to see her hovering above.

She hears her friends cheering her on, Artie and Sam in particular, and though Santana wants to scoff at just how dumb boys are, Brittany is looking at her expectantly so Santana puts on a show. Rachel makes a noise of surprise or awe - Santana isn’t sure which one - and everyone is cheering as Santana downs the shot, but all Santana can think about is how warm Brittany’s skin was under her tongue and how she’d do just about anything to taste her skin again tonight.

Brittany is tumbling off the table in laughter, and when Brittany laughs Santana can’t help but follow, and for a second it feels like they are back to normal, just Santana and Brittany as usual.

It shouldn’t be a surprise to her that not too long after, she is a complete emotional trainwreck. Currently, she’s crying and tellling Sam that he likes Quinn more than her because she’s pretty and blonde and really fucking smart, but that’s not what she’s _actually_ crying about.

Sam is so drunk he doesn’t even care, dancing in place as Santana yells at him before she’s pulling him into her, kissing him sloppily. He steadies a hand against her waist and for a moment, the room stops spinning.

She stops crying, only for a moment, but when he pulls away and Santana’s eyes drift to Brittany topless in Artie’s lap, it begins again. Sam forces her to dance, and it doesn’t work, but at least he’s trying.

“Ready to go?” Sam asks later, sobered up after downing two bottles of water.

Santana looks around. Tina and Mike are in the corner making out, Puck is passed out on the floor, and Brittany is awkwardly curled up with Artie on another end of the room. She feels the tears prickle in her eyes and does her best to push them back as she stands with Sam’s help.

“Yeah,” she nods.

(When she asks him to stay the night and he hesitates, she gives him a pleading and almost desperate look through the tears before he complies. Santana falls asleep to a body that’s too warm and too big, but at least she’s not alone.

And if he notices that his side of the bed smells very much like Brittany, he doesn’t say it.)

* * *

For awhile, it’s fine. It’s fine because Sam’s doing his job as the useless boyfriend she needs him to be and Brittany is still _hers_ in the most important of ways. She figures this is okay, she can keep her head above water. But then Brittany is asking _questions_ again and Santana mentally reminds herself to give Artie a particularly cold glare soon because this is _his_ fault they’re talking about it in the first place.

_Because with feelings it’s better._

The thought of talking to an _adult_ freaks Santana out, but the way Brittany looks lost and confused has Santana agreeing. She agrees because she hates making Brittany feel that way, that she would ever be a source of confusion. Everything between them has been understood since the beginning, and somehow, Santana let that fall to the wayside.

(She has always found saying no to Brittany to be difficult anyway.)

Settling on Holly Holliday is easy. Santana hardly even counts her as an adult; she feels like a cool older sister, kinda. Santana doesn’t do feelings and she most definitely doesn’t talk about them, either. She’ll try, though, because Miss Holliday doesn’t judge or look at them funny. She’ll try because she is kind of terrified she might lose Brittany, and she can’t let that happen.

They’re Santana and Brittany, always have been.

“It’s not about who you are attracted to. Ultimately, it’s who you fall in love with.”

Santana turns to find Brittany already looking at her. It’s so stupid how the sight makes Santana’s chest expand and her knees weak even though they’re sitting down. Brittany’s eyes don’t give her away, but they are warm and careful and it’s familiar.

Santana Lopez is in love with Brittany S. Pierce.

She doesn’t know if she can be the kind of girl who dates her best friend for the entire world to know - if Brittany even wants to date her, that is - but she knows right now she’ll try _anything_ for Brittany. So she jumps on board right away when singing a song together in glee club is suggested. The perfect song pops into her head and the nerves kick in already.

When words have failed her with the person she can be the most honest with, she’s sure a song will do the job.

(She doesn’t understand that song will often be the only way she’ll be able to ever tell Brittany what’s going on inside.)

* * *

Terrified and only sitting upright because Holly Holiday playfully pokes at her side when they get settled on the stools, Santana lets the music do the talking. For a moment, she forgets the rest of the glee club is around. All she understands is _I built my life around you_ and the guitar and the way Brittany keeps looking at her throughout the song.

She knows by the way Brittany’s eyes are also filled with tears by the end of it, that on some level, she understands what Santana hasn’t told her. 

“Is that really how you feel?” Brittany asks, her voice so quiet and fragile that Santana feels _too much_ in that moment.

As she wipes at her eyes and sniffs, she replies, “Uh, yeah.”

Brittany’s eyes light up and she gives the tiniest of smiles, one that’s barely there, but Santana catches it because they are _Santana and Brittany_ and they have always understood each other best.

She hugs Brittany tightly and presses their foreheads together when they pull away, not caring for a moment that the entire glee club is watching them.

“I’m proud of you,” Brittany murmurs, only for Santana.

It makes Santana’s shoulders relax and let out a soft little laugh because of course Brittany still knows her better than anyone else. Boyfriends and _better with feelings_ can’t change that, can’t change them _._

* * *

Santana is done with boys.

She is done pretending and putting up a front. 

The only person that matters, the only one that _ever_ mattered as far as Santana’s concerned, is Brittany.

Brittany makes her day with a simple smile and she makes Santana’s stupid heart skip when she laughs and takes Santana’s hand before she’s tugging them down the hallway. The way Santana sees it now is she just can’t avoid it. She’s in love with her best friend, and she isn’t ready to make it public, but she has to let Brittany know. Brittany deserves at least that much.

Santana is tired of being angry at the world when really she’s been angry at herself for all of this. She is still terrified of what’s to come, but she thinks with Brittany by her side, they can figure it out, together, like they always do.

So after a few pep talks to herself in the girls’ bathroom, she finally takes a deep breath and walks to their lockers. She feels the tears already beginning to form in her eyes and she willfully blinks them away, telling herself to get it together.

“Can we talk?” Santana asks, sounding so small and unsure.

Brittany puts her book away as she replies, “But we never do that.”

“I know,” Santana nods, not quite meeting Brittany’s eyes. “But I wanted to thank you for doing that song with me in glee club. Cause it’s made me do a lot of thinking…”

Santana takes a breath and continues, her voice quaking. She hates this, being vulnerable and unsure and scared. She hates all of it, but she’s going to try because Brittany is listening to Santana so intently, taking all of her in.

By the end of it, there’s no way she can stop the tears. She’s in the middle of the god damn hallway telling her best friend she’s in love with her and she’s crying.

“I just want you,” Santana admits in a quiet voice, eyes never leaving Brittany’s.

She sees the flurry of emotions in Brittany’s eyes. She knows, more than anything, Brittany is trying to put all the pieces together, to try to completely understand Santana’s thoughts. But the longer Brittany is silent, the faster the panic rises in her chest. She is making a terrible mistake.

“Please tell me you love me back,” Santana begs. “Please.”

She hates sounding so pathetic, but she thinks she might die if Brittany doesn’t say anything.

“Of course I love you, I do,” Brittany assures her, and for a moment relief floods Satana’s system. It only lasts so long though, because Brittany continues. “And I would totally be with you if it weren’t for Artie.”

“Artie?” she gapes, everything inside of her filling with dread to replace the relief almost immediately.

“I love him, too.”

They argue after that, Santana knows, but she can’t remember what they say. All she can think of is _I love him too_ and she feels her heart break into pieces. The way Brittany looks at her hurts, and Santana jerks away from her touch, like she’s been burned.

“Get off me,” she hisses, and Brittany’s face crumbles.

Santana walks away, keeping her head down as the tears come fiercely now. Part of her wishes Brittany would follow her, the other part wants to never see Brittany again.

When Brittany doesn’t find her in the bathroom stall half an hour later, Santana feels like for the first time in a long time, she’s alone.

(Santana dumps Sam two days later, and he takes it surprisingly well. She can’t even be mad that he’s not more upset, because well - it’s Sam. 

She never wanted him anyway.)

* * *

Somehow, they manage to find their balance again. They are Santana and Brittany again, and they’re just friends, but there is something that lingers in between them now that Santana can’t place. There is a _what if_ in the air and Santana tries to swat it away, to ignore it, but no matter what, it still sits between them.

She uses Dave Karofsky as a beard and Brittany doesn’t comment on it aside from a small argument at their lockers.

Because they are first and foremost best friends and maintaining their balance is important.

Santana’s just glad to have her best friend back.

* * *

Santana messes up.

Brittany looks at her with wide, adoring eyes and tells her she’ll go first; she’ll take the hits first on her stupid cheese show where she can ask her to prom so Santana doesn’t have to. She is so full of hope that Santana is nodding her head and pulling Brittany into her arms and it feels good.

It feels like, with Brittany by her side, nothing can touch her.

But the more she thinks about it, the more terrified she becomes and she bails, only offering a poor _I can’t_ before watching Brittany’s sad excuse of an episode where she looks lost and hurt and Santana knows she screws up.

What’s even worse is what comes after, when JBI is following her around school and creeping on her love life. He’s honestly pretty close to getting a taste of her Lima Heights roots, but she freezes at his latest question.

“So you two are soulmates, so to speak?”

It’s only then that she realizes Brittany is at her locker across the hall, eyes trained on Santana, almost like she’s holding her breath for the answer. Her eyes are just a little puffy, like she might’ve cried last night.

Santana’s heart aches in the worst of ways, and she wants nothing more than to walk over to Brittany and apologize for being a terrible best friend, for doing what she did, but JBI tilts his head, impatiently waiting for her answer, too.

She’s Santana Lopez. She has a reputation to protect.

“Yeah, I’d say that was accurate.”

She looks away from Brittany, unable to watch for her reaction because she knows, in that moment, she’s fucked up.

Santana is pretty sure Brittany is completely done with her by the time they get to glee club that afternoon, but the seat beside the blonde is still open so she takes it and compliments the shirt Brittany’s wearing. 

It takes a moment, but then Brittany is giving her the tiniest of smiles and even though it doesn’t fully reach her eyes, Santana takes it. She would’ve even taken the slightest glance, really.

Brittany knows she’s trying and that’s enough.

* * *

Before Santana knows it, they are back in their familiar rhythm of laughter and dancing and linked pinkies. They’re back to dancing around the choir room with their friends - yeah, fine Santana will admit she’s friends with these losers - and to being there when Quinn needs them most.

Going to New York does something to Santana, and though she can’t seem to explain it in her awestruck state, Brittany gets it because she links their arms together as they wander around Times Square and whispers, “This place is as big as you, San.”

Brittany looks at her with stars in her eyes and no trace of doubt, and Santana thinks Brittany’s right. She wants to be in New York.

All she sees is red after they lose nationals. She’s ready to bite Rachel’s head off and though the rest of the glee club prevents her from doing so, it doesn’t make her any less mad. She’s never understood how Brittany just goes with the flow, no worry in the world. When she brings it up on Monday morning after nationals, Brittany shrugs and tells her how glee club is her family now. Brittany loves all their stupid friends.

“What about you and I?”

It comes out before it can stop herself, but it’s there so Santana just holds her breath nervously and waits. She isn’t sure if she can handle her heart breaking in this same spot again this year.

Brittany doesn’t miss a beat.

“I love you, Santana. I love you more than anyone in the world. All I know about you and I is that, because of that, I think anything is possible.”

Brittany looks at her as if everything makes sense when they’re together, and Santana can’t help the way her lips curl up into a smile. She feels the relief in her veins, the validation she’s been looking for. 

She hugs Brittany tight, trying to convey the words she wants to say, but there are so many things she still has to work on herself so she mumbles, “You’re my best friend” and hopes Brittany gets it.

Brittany does - she always does - because she replies, “You’re mine, too.”

Santana offers Brittany her pinky and when Brittany curls hers around Santana’s, it feels like the beginning of something new. 

She isn’t ready, not yet, but she thinks with the way Brittany looked at her earlier, she will be one day, maybe soon.

* * *

Santana spends the summer before senior year wrapped up in every bit of Brittany.

It’s rare for her to go even so much as a day without seeing the blonde, or going over to her house, or having sleepovers that just turn into rotating whose house they sleep at every week. Santana’s always liked her alone time, but somehow, she still hasn’t gotten sick of one Brittany S. Pierce.

Summer is defined by the quiet moments behind closed doors or in stolen moments alone, by quiet kisses and making out to movie marathons they play as mere background noise. It’s spent poolside or in Santana’s backyard, carefree and happy and together.

Santana feels like she’s coming into her own, and Brittany is there, with that damn look that makes Santana feel like she can just do about anything. Without the prying eyes of McKinley, Santana feels like she can breathe for the first time in a long time.

There is so much love inside of her when it comes to Brittany that sometimes Santana is sure her heart will burst. Brittany has been nothing but patient and understanding this whole time, and though Santana isn’t quite sure what she’s done to deserve someone like this, she’d be an idiot to not hold onto it, to hold on to Brittany.

They are a mess of limbs in Santana’s bed, the afternoon slipping away from them as they are tangled in each other, when Brittany looks at her with bright, expressive eyes.

“Can you sing to me?” she asks behind a grin.

Santana laughs beside her, rolling onto her side to get a better look at Brittany. “What am I supposed to sing?”

Brittany shrugs, a goofy smile on her face. “I don’t know, I just want to hear you sing. You have the best voice.”

Santana softens at that, at how Brittany makes her feel like the most talented person in the world, that all these dreams she has of New York and being famous might actually amount to something one day.

But she smirks, swinging a leg over to straddle her girlfriend as she starts singing.

_“My cup, my cup, sayin’ what’s up-”_

It pulls loud laughter from Brittany, who wiggles underneath Santana and playfully pushes at her shoulders when she recognizes the song.

“Santana!”

Santana holds in her laugh, but she can’t fight the grin on her face as she asks, “What?”

“Sing me a real song,” Brittany pouts.

“That was a real song,” Santana deadpans. “It’s my favorite song.”

Brittany shakes her head. “You’re so full of it.”

Santana can’t hide her laugh anymore, but she gives in to Brittany’s pout - because she always does - and lets out a breath before she’s singing the chorus of Songbird. Brittany immediately softens, her eyes shining with affection and admiration in an almost reverend-like way that Santana’s voice breaks just a little.

_“And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”_

“God Santana,” Brittany whispers when she finishes. “I love you.” 

And later that night, when Brittany pulls them out of bed in the middle of making out to dance to Fleetwood Mac, Santana knows she’s falling in love with Brittany a little more every single day.

In this moment, it all feels like her life is finally coming together.

* * *

She knows it’s only starting, but senior year feels kind of perfect.

Brittany greets her with a kiss every morning when they pick each other up before their drive to school and holds her hand and doesn’t let go until they’re pulling into the parking lot. They sing at the top of their lungs in the car and sing some more when they get to glee club, and they’re dancing around with their friends and Santana finally thinks this is going to be her year. She isn’t quite ready to hold hands in the halls, but there is something undeniably exciting about being with Brittany in this way.

For the first time in a long time, Santana feels good about herself. Brittany always tells her that her insides need to match her outsides, and it’s a weird way to put it, but that’s just how Santana feels these days.

Brittany is patient and kind and caring, and Santana thinks she’ll never stop falling in love with her.

But Brittany has always been so go with the flow, and Santana wonders if this thing they’re doing is another one of those situations, and suddenly she’s questioning everything about them. Sure, Santana pays for dinners and Brittany pays for the movies they go out to see, and they kiss and have sex and say I love you, but Santana realizes that they’ve never actually discussed what all of it means. The last thing she wants is for this to turn into junior year 2.0, so at their weekly Breadstix dinner, Santana finally finds the courage to ask.

Santana can’t quite meet Brittany’s eyes across the table when she starts, “Hey, I wanna talk about...you know...that _thing_ we never talk about.”

“That sour patch kids are just gummy bears that turned to drugs?” Brittany offers, her face serious.

Santana knows better, though, and hides her smile. She knows Brittany is trying to make her relax, make her comfortable. Somehow, Brittany always knows best.

“Are we dating, or what?”

“Wait, isn’t this a date?” Brittany asks immediately, and Santana watches her look down at her shrimp cocktail in concern. “Aren’t you paying? ‘Cause I ordered shrimp.”

There is immediate relief that runs through Santana’s veins at the way Brittany responds. Every question she had in her, any doubt that this was anything but what it actually is disappears. Santana watches Brittany, lips slowly turning into a smile.

“Last week when we were taking a bath together, wasn’t that a date?”

Brittany’s voice is so full of genuine concern and her eyebrows scrunch together like she needs the answer that Santana can’t help the way her chest swells with so much love for the girl sitting across from her. Brittany has been nothing but patient with Santana, even when Santana is five steps behind. She always waits for Santana to catch up. The thought of Brittany and how she never rushes Santana at all, lets her come into her own and believes in her the whole way without a single doubt, makes her eyes prickle with tears before she can wipe them away.

A frown tugs at Brittany’s lips when she notices and asks, “Are you crying?”

Santana sniffs a little, looking up to meet blue eyes filled with so many emotions it’s almost too much to take in all at once.

“It’s just that I’m just really happy,” she admits quietly, only for Brittany.

Brittany’s eyes light up and Santana’s favorite grin of hers appears on her lips making Santana’s chest grow warm.

As Brittany continues to talk about her campaign and the Irish kid she thinks is a leprechaun, Santana wonders just how long she’s been dating her best friend. She wonders if everything leading up to this has been a series of dates, that she and Britany have been taking each other out for as long as she can remember. There is a smile on her face she can’t get rid of, but she doesn’t want to stop smiling, not when Brittany is rambling on and making sure Santana knows that this is exactly what she thinks it is.

A thought crosses her mind when they talk about wishes, and Santana grows all shy and her eyes can’t quite meet Brittany’s when she brings it up. She thinks of just pretending she forgot for a moment, because it’s _so lame,_ but Brittany is giving her an encouraging smile and Santana can’t help it.

She’s a total sucker.

“I wish you’d hold my hand.”

Brittany smiles even wider and reaches over the table to take Santana’s hand in hers. Santana lets out a soft laugh, because sure, she’s held Brittany’s hand a hundred times before, but here, in this moment, she can’t quite believe it’s happening. It feels like everything Santana’s ever wanted and more.

She then remembers where they are, and fear creeps into her like it always does, and she tosses a napkin over their hands. But Brittany doesn’t mind. Her smile doesn’t falter at all, instead going to fix the napkin over their hands happily and Santana isn’t sure how on earth she’s managed to deserve Brittany at all.

She’s not ready, not yet, but she thinks after tonight, she’s just a little bit closer.

* * *

She isn’t ready when it happens.

Santana knows she isn’t ready, not yet, but she thinks maybe if she’d had another week or two, another series of moments where she’s sure she can do it, she would’ve been.

There’s nothing that can explain the fear and anger in her when Finn calls her out in the hallway. She feels like a tiny piece of her deserves it after going at him all week, but his words sting ten times worse than anything she’s said to him and the dumb oaf does it in the middle of a crowded hallway.

It’s not like Santana thinks everyone else is a complete idiot. She knows her fellow glee club members look at them knowingly and don’t bat an eyelash at their antics, like arms pressing against each other or that time Brittany’s face is impossibly close to Santana’s when she’s sure Mr. Schuester’s figured out her secret leprechaun. She knows the Cheerios look at her and Brittany curiously, wondering what the situation is with their co-captain and her fellow senior. And she knows everyone else who knows them or knows of them knows they are always together, but Santana’s been better about not worrying about what people think.

But when Finn says it out loud, there in that stupid hallway, she knows it’ll bite her in the ass.

(It’s a separate issue on Finn accusing her of being afraid Brittany doesn’t love her, because Santana _knows_ Brittany loves her more than anything in the world, has proved it time and time again even before Santana figured it out.

Brittany tells her this when she finds Santana crying in the bathroom, like she might die if Santana believes the stupid jock for a second. It makes Santana’s heart swell, still, even though she already knows.

It’s just nice to hear Brittany say it again and again.)

It takes only two days for everything to come crumbling down.

Santana should’ve known when she walks in to find Sue, Schuester and _Burt Hummel_ of all people gathered together and not ripping each other’s heads off with the election just days away. She should’ve known by the way Sue’s eyes look sad for the first time since Santana’s ever met her, how Schuester wears that overly-worried look and how Burt looks like this is personal for him.

A flicker of understanding strikes through her when the adults mention _Finn Hudson_ and _conversation in the hallway._

The ad feels like a fever dream, one she can’t wake up from. It feels like all her worst nightmares coming true. Everything she worked for the past four years - becoming head cheerleader, cultivating her feared reputation, all the fights and mean words and vicious looks - it’s all about to come undone.

“I haven’t even told my parents” is all she manages to say in tears before she’s rushing out and running down the hall.

She runs right to Brittany, who pulls her aside to the corner with worried eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Brittany asks. “What does Sue want?”

Santana shakes her head, tears still falling. “Everyone is going to know.”

Brittany looks confused, just for a second, but then it clicks. Somehow, Brittany understands what she can’t say.

“Oh San,” she murmurs, voice filled with heartbreak and concern.

“Someone heard Finn,” Santana continues, furiously wiping at her tears. “It’s going to be in an ad for the election. A stupid smear campaign against Sue.”

Brittany’s hands run up and down Santana’s arms comfortingly before she’s using a thumb to wipe away the rest of Santana’s tears as she slowly calms down. 

“You don’t have to do this number if you don’t want to,” Brittany starts. “I can tell Ms. Coch-”

“No,” Santana shakes her head firmly, the last of her tears dry. “I need to. I can’t think about…”

She trails off, a lump in her throat and Brittany hugs her fiercely, a long kiss pressed to her temple.

“I love you,” Brittany reminds her. “I’ve got you.”

Santana lets out a breath at her girlfriend’s words, relaxing for the first time since she stepped foot in Sue’s office.

She thinks she can pull herself together, let herself channel all her emotions into the music. And she does - at least, she does until she can’t.

Finn is smugly whispering in his stupid hobbit girlfriend’s ear and Santana doesn’t even realize she’s approaching them after the song ends until she is right up in Finn’s stupid face. It all happens so fast, and Santana doesn’t even hear Mr. Schuester’s poor attempt to stop her. All she hears is the way her hand connects with Finn’s cheek. All she sees is the red mark that’s beginning to form before she is sprinting out of there.

Tears fall down her face furiously as she beelines for the rehearsal room. The only thing on her mind is that she needs to get out of her like _now_. She’s fishing her keys roughly out of her backpack when Brittany finds her.

“‘Tana.”

It’s the rare use of that nickname in particular, one that Brittany’s little sister coined years ago, in such a soft and careful tone that has Santana crumbling into Brittany’s arms.

Santana doesn’t remember much of what happens next, but somehow she ends up in her bed with her face against Brittany’s chest, listening to the steady heartbeat there. She feels safe here, like nothing can hurt her. For a moment, she wonders if she can just stay here, with Brittany, forever.

She feels like her entire world has come crumbling down and only Brittany is holding it together. Santana thinks, maybe, they wouldn’t even be in this mess if she had been ready sooner. Or if Finn Hudson was capable of holding onto at least one stupid brain cell.

But for all her uncertainty, Brittany is so sure and solid.

“We’re going to get through this together. You and me, okay? I’m with you no matter what happens.”

There is no hint of hesitation in Brittany’s voice, and her bright blue eyes are focused on Santana like there has never been another option. For the first time since seeing the ad, Santana gives the smallest of smiles.

Brittany continues, wiping a stray tear away from Santana’s cheek. “You, Santana Lopez, are the bravest and strongest girl I know. If anyone can handle this, it’s you.” 

Love fills Santana’s chest to the brim, and she bites her lip like she’s afraid it all might spill out of her. Brittany has always known what Santana needs in every way, and she never once backs down when Santana starts to crack. Everyone else be damned, Brittany S. Pierce is the smartest person she knows.

“I love you so much,” she breathes out, feeling like if she doesn’t say it, doesn’t remind Brittany of this fact, she might explode.

Brittany smiles, wide and proud in that way that makes Santana melt. “I love you, too. We’re in it together now, remember?”

And they _are_ in it together.

Santana considers what Finn’s doing as blackmail, but she knows it’s his very poor attempt at an apology. It’s not all bad, though, considering Brittany is rubbing her back to calm her down from snapping at everyone and then holding her hand when _Finn_ of all people makes her cry.

Santana doesn’t hesitate when Sue offers her a minute at the end of practice to come out to her fellow Cheerios, and the nerves are gone by the time her eyes fall on Brittany who’s giving Santana the proudest of smiles as she reminds them all just who she is and what she’s capable of.

Santana’s terrified of coming out to her parents, avoiding eye contact and mostly mumbling when they ask her what’s up, but her parents are clearly holding back their amused laughter when they tell her they’ve always had a feeling. She gapes at them because they tell her to text Brittany to come inside because they know her car is in the driveway, knowing Santana would have her on standby for support. She feels all her shock and worry disappear when her mother hugs Brittany like her own daughter.

Santana feels confident going to her abuela’s after coming out to her parents, telling Brittany to wait in the car because she’s sure her grandmother will be making way too much food that she can’t eat all by herself, but it’s all shattered within moments and Brittany doesn’t question her when she returns to the car in tears, telling her to go. Brittany does as she’s told and holds Santana as she cries herself to sleep.

Santana feels like her world is ending without her abuela by her side, without the love and support and the person who taught Santana so much about being a woman.

But Brittany kisses her tears away and tells her it’s going to be okay, and Santana remembers that Brittany loves her and maybe, just maybe, it’ll be enough to fill this new vacancy in her life.

* * *

Being with Brittany without all the secrecy and hesitation is freeing.

“Your insides really match your outsides,” Brittany tells her, and Santana knows she’s right.

There are still moments where she forgets, where she turns into that scared girl she used to be. There is the occasional check over her shoulder, but Brittany is right there with a reassuring squeeze and a smile that eases any and all of Santana’s worries. Santana wishes she could put into words just how grateful she is that she gets to call Brittany her girlfriend because Santana is sure she wouldn’t be who she is without her.

For all the eye rolling and glaring, Santana secretly _loves_ the way everyone can see just how much of a sucker she is for her girlfriend. The glee kids make jokes when Santana cuddles up with Brittany, and though she offers a half-hearted glare or a sharp comment in response, she kind of likes how they can see she’s more than just the act she’s put up for so long. 

There is no more hiding, no more tears and no more hurt. There is only Brittany’s laughs and smiles and kisses that Santana will never get enough of. Brittany turns her into the person who willingly kisses under mistletoes and looks forward to a stupid New Years kiss. She’s become the person who requests a singing telegraph on Valentine’s Day and drags all her friends into plotting the best promposal the school’s ever seen.

She thinks a younger version of herself would scoff at who she’s become, but she doesn’t care. She’d do anything for Brittany, and when Brittany tells her how much she loves her, Santana would do it all again because Brittany finally makes the idea of _love_ make sense.

“What are you thinking about?”

Brittany’s gentle voice pulls Santana out of her thoughts, and she turns her head to look at Brittany. Her breath catches, just a bit, because she still can’t get over how gorgeous Brittany is in her prom dress and how she gets to call Brittany her _prom date._

“Last year’s prom,” she answers.

Brittany’s eyes grow sad at the mention and she puts on a knowing smile. Santana reaches out and takes her girlfriend’s hand, slipping her fingers in the spaces Santana is sure are meant for her and her alone.

“You’ve come so far since then,” Brittany reminds her quietly. “I’m so proud of you.”

Santana flushes, still not used to the constant praise and approval from Brittany after all this time. “Thanks for waiting for me to figure it all out.”

Brittany pulls her in close, her other arm wrapping around her waist. With a smile she admits in the small space between them, “I’d wait for you forever, Santana. I know you’re worth it.”

Santana exhales softly, looking at Brittany in awe. There’s a twinkle in Brittany’s eyes before she’s leaning in and kissing Santana softly as they dance in a gym full of their friends and classmates. 

(She doesn’t win prom queen and Brittany doesn’t win king, but Santana can’t find herself caring at all when Brittany mouths an _I love you_ to her while she sings on stage with Quinn.)

* * *

The end of high school is almost perfect.

Santana is so stupidly in love with Brittany and Brittany is equally as stupidly in love with her, too. She sings love songs to Brittany in front of her and the rest of the glee dorks and Brittany twirls her around when everyone else sings. They spend endless hours perfecting choreography for both glee and the Cheerios in Brittany’s bedroom before they are a pair of tired limbs, tangled up in each other. They snatch two national championships together, one with glee club and one for the Cheerios - a last hurrah. She ends high school on top, like she’s wanted since freshman year, and for those last few days of school, Santana honestly thinks she just might be the most popular girl.

Not like it matters anymore, not when she has Brittany.

The only thing that isn’t perfect? Brittany isn’t graduating.

At first, Santana’s mad at Brittany for not telling her until the final days of school. Then, she’d mad at literally every adult figure at McKinley for not doing something to help Brittany graduate. College doesn’t seem all that important if she has to leave Brittany behind to go.

But Brittany seems like she’s at peace with it, and she tells Santana to go to college, to her _full ride_ scholarship to the University of Louisville that _Brittany_ helped her receive.

She pulls Brittany into her arms, murmuring an “I love you” before pressing a kiss to Brittany’s warm cheek.

“I know, I’m pretty awesome,” Brittany deadpans with a grin.

“I’ll come back weekends to see you,” Santana insists before she even thinks about it.

But she finds she doesn’t care if she hasn’t gotten all that figured out yet. She knows she loves Brittany the most in this world, and that Brittany loves her too, and that no matter what, they’ll make it work.

There’s nothing they can’t do together.

“I know you will,” Brittany nods.

Her eyes are so full of promise and excitement, and just like that, the rest of Santana’s anger fades away.

“And plus,” Brittany continues, flipping them over on Santana’s bed so she’s on top of her. “We still have the whole summer together.”

Santana grins and nods breathlessly, but then Brittany is tickling her and she’s left screaming and pushing and laughing and things like graduation and college and long distance seem so far away.

Love makes sense when she’s with Brittany. Santana isn’t going to let distance get in the way of that.

* * *

Saying goodbye to Lima is harder than Santana expected.

It’s not like she _loved_ the stupid city, it’s just that maybe she’s got a lot of great memories here. And maybe the best girlfriend ever is also in Lima, Ohio.

Santana feels like she hardly has time to settle in because if she thought the Cheerios were tough, division one college cheerleading is somehow harder despite her coach not being a total psychotic tyrant like Sue Sylvester.

Between classes and practices and football games and invitationals, Santana can barely keep up. And she _tries -_ god, she tries to keep up with Brittany and at least make sure to check in every few hours, but it’s hard when she’s literally running from one place to the next. Plus, she refuses to be a hovering girlfriend. They can totally be their own people while still being together.

It’s weird, though, because Santana sometimes feels this pang in her chest. She feels it when something happens in practice and realizes she doesn’t have Brittany or Quinn to turn to. She feels it when she realizes the only singing she does is in the shower or in the car or in her dorm. She feels it when she realizes she missed half of the lecture because she was fighting to stay awake and doesn’t have Mike to ask for notes. She feels it most, though, when she’s stressed or tired or trying to fall asleep, and she misses the strong arms that used to wrap around her, the soft hands that calmed her with a single touch.

Brittany, it seems, isn’t faring much better.

Really, Santana wants nothing more than to drop everything and drive herself to Ohio when Brittany mentions being dropped from the Cheerios. She’s even more compelled to do so when word gets back to her that Britney 2.0 week in attempts to lift Brittany’s spirits is a complete failure. Santana’s not surprised, those idiots don’t know the first thing about Brittany when it comes down to it.

But Santana’s on a scholarship and she has things like grades and practices and football games, so the best she can do is text Brittany when she has a moment and count down the days until her first free weekend of the semester.

“I miss you so much,” Santana sighs into her phone as she crawls under her covers one night.

 _“I miss you too,”_ Brittany whispers, and Santana can practically feel the way Brittany isn’t trying to cry.

She kind of hates herself for being all the way in Kentucky right now.

* * *

It’s different when she’s finally able to come home.

Santana tries to deny it, tries to ignore this weird shift between them, but it’s there no matter what she does and causes a sinking feeling in her stomach. She ignores that, too, because she and Brittany have gone through so much, she’s sure they’ll get through this, too.

She’s sure until Brittany drags her to some weird end of the world gathering that Sam’s got her roped into with some little blonde bitch who uncannily reminds her of a younger Quinn Fabray.

“You don’t get it. You left me behind and that hurt.”

The words echo in Santana’s ears long after she gets home, after she’s under her covers without Brittany and everything feels so wrong. She wants to be mad at Brittany, to remind her she didn’t leave her, that she would’ve easily stayed if Brittany had _asked,_ but she knows that’s not the problem here.

Distance is so much harder than they both thought, and Santana’s starting to think that being _Santana and Brittany_ in the way they’ve always been is no longer enough. She hasn’t been there for Brittany as much as she wants to, and she knows it’s not all her fault, but she can see now how much being physically apart is breaking them.

She can’t lose her best friend, not like this. She can’t have Brittany resent her for the situation they’ve found themselves in.

So Santana tells her all of this the only way she knows how - in the choir room, just the two of them, laying it all out in a song. They’re both crying by the end of it, and seeing Brittany cry makes everything worse, but Santana _has_ to do this. She has to think of what’s best for Brittany, for them.

Her excuse is weak - an _energy exchange,_ come on - but she just doesn’t have the heart to tell Brittany the truth - that she is deathly afraid that this is going to ruin the two of them, that _Santana_ will ruin the two of them.

“You know I’ll always love you the most,” Santana promises through her tears.

Brittany only cries harder, and everything inside of Santana hurts, but she kisses the blonde one last time before pulling her into a hug.

“I love you too,” Brittany almost whines, holding onto Santana like her life depends on it.

Santana almost takes it back right then and there.

She doesn’t, though.

* * *

It’s actually depressing how Santana can’t get over Brittany.

(It’s not like she _really_ tries, no way, she’s still so in love it hurts.)

She comes home when Finn calls for his stupid production of Grease in a heartbeat. It’s embarrassing, but it’s all worth it when Brittany is suffocating her with a hug and telling her how good she is and how she misses her. It’s nice to know they still haven’t lost this part of them. By the time she comes back for Thanksgiving, she feels like they might settle on some sort of rhythm, one with Quinn back in the mix and the three of them falling into old patterns way too easily.

But then Brittany kind of goes silent, and Santana doesn’t blame her, because glee club is over and now all Brittany has is the Cheerios and that’s just not fair. She gives Brittany her space though, because honestly, Santana has a lot to deal with on her own in Kentucky.

She finds she hates college. At least, she hates _her_ college. Cheer is something she dreads now. The girls don’t seem to understand her particular personality _and_ she’s still at the bottom of the pyramid even after working her ass off all fall. School also sucks, but she just skips her classes while still making decent grades so whatever.

She hates Louisville. It’s small and suffocating and everything she hated about Lima. Maybe Quinn was right, maybe she’s just a scared girl who’s too afraid to chase her dream. She eyes the box with the money her mother gave her at graduation, still untouched, and wonders if she should just say fuck it.

She doesn’t, at least, not in _that_ way.

Instead, she finishes out her semester with good grades and decidedly doesn’t enroll for the spring semester.

She doesn’t tell anyone.

* * *

Santana finds out the week after she visits New York.

It comes from a weird, unexpected phone call from Tina, who only utters six words before abruptly hanging up. The message is clear, though.

Brittany’s dating Sam.

Santana knows she has no right to feel the sharp jealousy in her throat. There’s no good reason for anger to boil in her chest. She hates the way her body sags like the world’s ending. _She_ broke up with Brittany. _She_ told her it was okay to start dating other people. But maybe, she thinks the worst part of it all, is that she finds out from _Tina_ instead of Brittany herself. Or even that damn Trouty Mouth.

But come on, _Sam_ of all people? Brittany’s better than that.

So it’s no surprise, fueled by the recent bombshell that’s been dropped, that she doesn’t hesitate when Finn asks if she’s willing to come home next week to help with a lesson. Santana’s already plotting, which in retrospect is so stupid, but in the moment, it’s all she’s got.

This is how she ends up back in Lima wearing her Louisville cheer uniform with a few of her old teammates in tow.

“I cannot believe you talked us into this,” Elaine snorts with a smirk.

Santana rolls her eyes, but she smirks right back. “It’s not like you were cheap about it.”

“Hey, playing your girlfriend requires extra payment,” Elaine shrugs.

Santana hates how good she feels in her uniform. Even after growing to hate cheer, she still feels at home in it, the way it hugs tight to her body and gives her room to move, to _perform._

For the first time in months, Santana feels like herself again. She loves the way the newer members feed off of her performance, loves the way she feels at home again doing what she does best. She loves - though she’ll _never_ admit it - that stupid proud smile Finn wears the whole time she performs. She also loves how by the end of it, Brittany’s trying so hard not to nod her head to the beat and bites down a smile at the way Santana dances.

Santana tries not to look so damn smug.

It surprises her how quickly Brittany jumps up, giving her a high five and complimenting her before she asks, “How come you didn’t tell me you were coming to town?”

Brittany looks a little hurt, and Santana almost feels bad, but then her eyes shift to Sam in the back row and she raises her eyebrows at her - old? - best friend.

“You know, I think the better question is why didn’t you tell me you were dating Sam?”

Brittany looks away, and she doesn’t meet Santana’s eyes as she explains how she found out. She has a feeling Brittany kept this from her on purpose and that hurts way more, but Sam looks like a puppy dog with his eyes on Brittany and something ugly coils in Santana’s stomach.

“I forgot to introduce my backup,” Santana realizes, walking over towards her old teammates. “And my girlfriend, Elaine.”

Brittany’s head snaps up at the word _girlfriend_ and even though this was the entire point of her stupid plan, Santana’s heart aches just a little at the shock and obvious hurt on Brittany’s face when she watches Santana slide an arm around Elaine, rambling on about how her girlfriend is _very much_ gay. 

Santana kisses Elaine for good measure in front of everyone before forcing her attention on Finn and not Brittany until the bell rings, pretending she cares about his lesson plans when really she wants nothing more than to ask Brittany what the _fuck_ is so great about Sam.

* * *

Leave it to Sue Sylvester to kill her high.

For twenty minutes, Santana feels like she’s back in high school again and Sue is scolding her for fucking up her grand master plan. She’s not far off, really, because she feels like she’s let Sue down, and part of her has always hated doing that because she’s somehow _always_ been one of Sue’s favorites, whether either party wanted to admit it or not.

Santana’s pretty sure Sue’s just going to berate her for the next half hour, but instead there is an opportunity falling into her lap, one that offers security and concrete plans and a chance to be back here, closer to Brittany, and Santana’s sure she’ll take it.

She’s sure until she’s laying it all out for Brittany in the auditorium and the blonde is looking at her like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. She’s got those big, sad eyes that break Santana’s heart and Santana suddenly wonders if she’s fucking her whole life up.

And of course, Brittany is telling her exactly what she needs to hear because Brittany _always knows._

“It’s okay to follow your dreams.”

Santana shakes her head, fear creeping up from her gut as she insists, “No, Brittany, you have no idea what it’s like in the real world. No one gives a damn about you.”

She knows Brittany doesn’t understand it, that she still lives in this bubble of Lima and glee club and the Cheerios. Santana kind of wishes she could keep Brittany away from the real world, to let her live in that sweet place in her head forever.

Brittany’s in front of her now when she asks, “Why shouldn’t you get the chance to be around people who are like you? Who appreciate you?”

Santana hides away a smile and her eyes shine because somehow, with everything between them, they are still _Santana and Brittany_ in the way they have always been. She holds in a sigh at the understanding that she hasn’t lost her best friend.

“Why can’t you have a _real_ girlfriend?” Brittany asks, and Santana tries not to bristle at the question before Brittany adds, “but not a best friend ‘cause that part’s already taken.”

This time, Santana lets her lips form into a small smile and before she knows it, Brittany is reaching out and pulling her into a hug. Santana holds on tightly because she’s missed this, missed _them._ Brittany still smells like strawberry chapstick and vanilla perfume, and it’s like muscle memory the way she softens against her. She thinks of all those nights without Brittany’s arms around her and makes sure to lock this feeling away so she never forgets.

“You really are a genius, Brittany,” Santana tells her when they pull apart.

And she means it. Because she _always_ means it. She wonders if Sam ever tells her she’s a genius, too.

“Duh,” Brittany grins.

“And you’re my best friend,” Santana adds, and it feels so good to say after months of weird radio silence and the Sam and Elaine of it all.

Brittany’s eyes light up and her lips turn up into a wide smile and Santana’s breath almost catches because Brittany’s smiles have always been her favorite. She can’t help the way she smiles back or the way they probably look like two dumb idiots just smiling at each other like this. 

She kisses Brittany without thinking, and there’s an apology ready to spill out of her lips when she pulls away, but Brittany’s eyes are clear and full of understanding, so she relaxes. Brittany’s always known what she can’t find the words to say.

There are more things she wants to say, like _I love you so much_ and _Please don’t be with Sam_ and _I hate doing life without you_ but then Brittany is inviting her to third wheel on her date with Sam and Santana politely declines as she shoves all her words back down her throat.

Santana’s just glad she still has her favorite person in the world in her corner.

* * *

New York is vibrant and busy and loud; Santana loves it.

What she doesn’t love is living with Kurt and Rachel. Because even though it’s actually kind of nice to be around them again - not that she’d ever tell them - it’s absolutely sickening to know _she’s_ the single one between the three of them.

Which makes flying home for Mr. Schuster’s wedding even worse because of course he’d plan it for Valentine’s Day and of course Brittany’s still dating Sam and of course Santana’s pathetically single. It’s how she ends up spending almost all her time home for the wedding with Quinn, who at least has given up men for the time being so they’re both equally bitter and disgusted by the notion of a wedding on a stupid, commercialized holiday.

As soon as she lets her eyes wander, Brittany and Sam’s eyes immediately meet hers a few aisles ahead and Santana’s stomach twists while her chest aches with longing and hurt. She puts on a fake smile she hopes Brittany can’t see through and offers a wave back at them before she’s launching into a whole tirade about how she hates everything about this day.

God, this is going to be a _long_ wedding.

Except it’s not, because Ms. Pilsbury runs away and she’s pretty sure Mr. Schue is on a wild goose chase for her but they all party after anyway, something about the money already being spent. Santana’s not complaining though because she and Quinn have fake IDs and gladly order drink after drink. She _needs_ it because Sam and Brittany are somehow always right there in front of her and it makes Santana feel all the more pathetic as the night goes on, watching her ex-girlfriend she’s still very much in love with dance the night away with her stupid boyfriend with stupidly large lips and laugh and smile as if Santana isn’t even in the same room.

But Quinn is next to her, cracking wise comments and judging just about everyone else in the room, and Santana smiles and smirks and laughs more than she has in a long time. Quinn makes her forget how badly Santana wants to go and pull Brittany away just for one dance, for nothing else than to feel Brittany’s arms around her again.

They drink until everything is funny - and Quinn makes sure Santana doesn’t get weepy, because maybe sometimes Quinn _is_ a good best friend - and Quinn is giving her long glances and soft touches and telling her she likes slow dancing with girls and really, Santana should’ve known where this was going as soon as they started drinking.

But she plays it cool, even if she has a mini internal panic attack when she realizes what’s just happened, and puts herself on the opposite end of the bed. It’s not like sleeping with Quinn is bad - she’s single and she can do what she wants - but it just makes her miss Brittany even more and somehow it feels like cheating even though it’s not. 

Quinn must sense her uneasiness because she laughs it off and promises it’s no big deal, and Santana breathes a little easier. 

“Please don’t make me do the walk of shame,” Quinn insists.

Santana laughs, tossing her extra clothes from her suitcase. “Fine, wear these. You can sleep here.”

Quinn smiles at her and Santana rolls her eyes.

(She knows, deep down, Quinn isn’t all that bothered about walking down to her own room.

Quinn just knows Santana doesn’t want to be alone.)

It isn’t until the lights are off and they’re on their respective sides of the bed, laying on their backs that Quinn says, “It’s okay to admit you still miss her.”

Santana stares at the ceiling, jaw working. “Quinn.”

“You don’t have to pretend,” Quinn continues quietly, no trace of her usual snark in her tone. “Not around me. I knew you both better than anyone else at that damn school.”

For a moment, Santana doesn’t say anything. She knows Quinn’s right, that years of friendship and Quinn partially being a third wheel for most of senior year proves it. She just hates the way Quinn can see how desperately in love she is with Brittany, but at the same time, she feels relief because she is so tired of pretending she’s unbothered in front of everyone else.

Quinn has always called her out on her bullshit.

Santana turns then, her eyes wide and full of tears. Quinn’s face softens at the sight.

“I’m such an idiot,” she whispers. “For letting her go.”

Before she knows it, Quinn is pulling her into a hug and Santana cries against her chest, and not once does Quinn tell her something stupid like _it’ll get better_ or _things will be okay._ She simply holds the brunette until they both find sleep, and Santana thinks it’s nice to finally not fall asleep feeling so terribly alone.

* * *

Santana should’ve known everyone would figure it out the next morning.

It doesn’t take a genius to know they’re both terribly hungover and Quinn’s wearing her clothes. She’s pretty sure at least Mike and maybe Mercedes saw them stumble into their hotel room together. She knows that they won’t say anything though, won’t be the type to bring it up. But no one has to say anything because Santana feels Brittany’s eyes on her the whole time. Santana wonders if Brittany realizes she has almost the exact same Louisville cheer t-shirt in her drawers back in Lima, the one Santana sprayed with her own perfume so she’d still be with Brittany even when she was far away.

Santana can’t bring herself to eat because Brittany keeps glancing at her and Quinn and it feels all types of wrong.

But of course it’s stupid Finn Hudson who dares to voice his curiosity out loud. 

“What?” Quinn snaps when she feels his eyes on him.

“Why are you wearing Santana’s shirt?”

Santana’s head snaps up at the mention of her name, and everyone’s eyes - including Brittany’s - are now on the pair of former Cheerios. She prays Quinn’s gotten better at lying since high school.

Quinn shrugs. “I fell asleep in Santana’s room last night.”

If it was anyone else, Santana knows it’d be believable. But it’s Quinn and something about her delivery screams _liar_ and Santana kind of hates her for it. She also hates that she’s way too hungover to deal with this right now.

It’s not that she cares if they know what she’s been up to - they were always in her business in high school anyway, not that Santana tried to keep much of it a secret - but something about _Brittany_ knowing fills Santana to the brim with guilt. She knows it’s irrational, that Brittany’s in a relationship and Santana’s free to do whatever and whoever she pleases, but still. She doesn’t want Britt to get the wrong idea. It’s _Quinn._

“Right,” Artie hums in an unconvinced tone and Santana knows everyone’s onto them.

Quinn’s eyes narrow, the old head cheerleader side of her beginning to show. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Santana feels Brittany’s eyes on her and she wishes she could drag her away from the table and explain, but she’s stuck. It’s mini Puckerman that breaks the silence, mumbling something about the two of them _not being very quiet_ before everyone’s gaping and Santana wishes she could rid the earth of the Puckerman brothers entirely.

“I’m starting to think every Puckerman was put on this earth to give me a hard time,” Quinn comments, clearly pissed.

Santana holds back a growl. “You’re just like your brother. Eavesdrop much?”

Jake shrinks in his seat as Santana and Quinn glower at him, and it all feels so high school that Santana kind of wants to die. She wants to die even more when she looks in the general direction of Brittany and the understanding is clear on her face. Santana’s stomach sinks.

She knows.

Kurt doesn’t help when he asks, “Something you want to share with the class, Q?”

Santana decides it’s enough - it’s way too early and she is very much nursing a hangover - so she glares at her roommate and states, “Not that it’s anyone’s business, but Quinn can do whatever the fuck she wants. And some of us have the worst fucking hangovers, so you better change the subject fast before I get my shit together and start going all Lima Heights on your sorry asses.”

It’s satisfying to know she hasn’t lost her touch when Mercedes steers the conversation in a different direction and everyone quickly follows suit. Santana relaxes in her seat and when Quinn murmurs a soft thank you, she offers a small smile.

Brittany’s eyes are on them the whole time.

No one dares to bring it up again and everyone is quick to move out of their hotel rooms and move on with their lives. Quinn forces her into a hug before she leaves and Santana rolls her eyes and promises to call when she returns to New York. She thinks she’s in the clear and she’s leaving her hotel room to go retrieve Lady Hummel from his gay escapades with Blaine when she is suddenly almost run over by none other than Brittany.

“Brittany,” she breathes out dumbly because it’s all she can think of in the moment.

“I uh - Sam forgot his charger so I’m just...we’re leaving,” Brittany stutters out quickly, looking somewhat frantic.

This dynamic between them is uncomfortable and incredibly unlike them and Santana hates it. She knows it’s because of the new Quinn situation - which, it isn’t even a situation at all, really - and Santana feels such a need to explain herself that it starts tumbling out before she can help it.

“Brittany-” she starts, but Brittany is quickly shaking her head, as if she knows exactly what Santana’s going to say.

“Santana, don’t,” Brittany says with a sigh. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

Santana hesitates, but she needs to let Brittany know. She _has_ to be clear here before she adds it to her list of ways she’s fucked it up with Brittany. 

“I know I just…” she looks at Brittany, growing soft. “It didn’t mean anything to either of us.”

Brittany doesn’t say anything in response, just looks at her, so Santana continues.

“We were drunk and lonely and Quinn isn’t even-”

“It’s fine, Santana,” Brittany tells her, offering a small smile. “It’s whatever, okay?”

Brittany looks like she means it - and kind of like she can’t bear the idea of Santana talking about it anymore - so Santana lets out a soft sigh, even though she knows this will bother her for the weeks to come. She wants Brittany to know that nothing will ever compare to her, that she made a mistake all those months ago in the choir room, that she’d do just about anything to take it back.

But instead she just says, “Okay.”

She notices the hesitation in Brittany’s eyes, the conflicting emotions that pass through. She wonders what Brittany’s thinking, but all the blonde offers is, “Have a safe flight back.”

Santana musters up the best smile she can and answers, “Thanks. Take care, Britt-Britt.”

She practically bolts to the elevator as soon as Brittany enters her hotel room. 

“Where have you been?” Kurt asks when she walks into the lobby.

Santana ignores the question. “Let’s go home.”

(She hates that home is so terribly far away from one Brittany S. Pierce.)

* * *

All it takes is a phone call from Trouty Mouth and the clear worry in his voice for Santana to book a train ticket back to Lima.

It should be sad how she drops everything for Brittany when they’re still in this weird best friends situation, one where they haven’t found the rhythm they’ve grown so accustomed to, one where Brittany doesn’t talk about Sam and Santana doesn’t tell her about dates she goes on, but Brittany _needs_ her and that’s enough for Santana to justify her decision as she walks up to the Pierce’s front door.

After the initial shock, Brittany engulfs her in a hug so warm and welcoming that Santana melts into it all too easy. Santana hates it, hates how it feels like nothing’s changed at all. Brittany looks at her like she’s the best surprise ever, and Santana hates how much she loves it.

Something she can’t quite name swells in her chest when Brittany looks relieved that someone’s finally cut through her act. The feeling grows tenfold when Brittany informs her that she’s been invited to start early at MIT because they think she’s some kind of super genius.

She has _always_ known Brittany’s a genius.

An absurd amount of pride swells inside of her as it sinks in because this is _Brittany_ and she’s always known Brittany would do amazing things.

But Brittany is understandably scared of the future and change and living up to this genius title, and Santana is wrapping an arm around her shoulder and reminding her that she’s _always_ believed in Brittany just as much as Brittany’s believed in her. When Brittany softens under her touch and with her words, Santana is glad to know this part of them will never be lost.

“You believed in me through all of high school and you believed in me enough to help me get to New York. Now it’s my turn again. I’m so proud of you, Britt. MIT is so lucky to have someone as awesome as you,” Santana tells her, smiling so hard she’s pretty sure her dimples will stick.

But Brittany is beaming and there’s no trace of her panic left, so Santana thinks she’s done her job. For the first time in a long time, she feels like they’ve finally found a way to be with each other without _being with_ each other.

All it takes is a pout for Santana to stay the weekend for regionals, and there’s tears and laughing and secret smiles and Santana knows Brittany’s still got her wrapped around her finger. Mr. Schuester surprises them all with his own impromptu wedding, and Santana holds Brittany’s hand through it all. When they say _I do,_ Santana doesn’t miss the way Brittanny squeezes her hand softly.

 _Not yet,_ they both know. _But maybe one day._

Santana helps Brittany pack her life away the night before and promises to come with her and her family to the airport the next morning. Brittany’s room is practically empty and it makes Santana a little sad, all the memories they’ve had in here come flooding back. It’s deja vu, really, because almost a year ago they were doing the exact same thing in Santana’s bedroom, too.

“Will you sleep over tonight?”

Brittany’s question brings her out of her reminiscing and the hesitation on her face must be clear before Brittany is immediately backpedaling.

“I don’t like - not like that,” Brittany insists. “I just - I leave tomorrow and don’t come back until May and you’re in New York so I just-”

“Sure,” Santana nods.

She saves Brittany the rambling because she’s pretty sure she knows what her best friend’s trying to say. Brittany’s expression relaxes and Santana smiles and when they lay in bed together that night Santana feels more at home than she ever has in New York.

“I’m so proud of you,” Santana whispers in the dark.

Brittany sighs softly, pulling Santana into her. “Thanks for always believing in me.”

(Santana’s pretty sure love is the way falls asleep to Brittany’s soft breathing.)

* * *

Dating the pretty lesbian waitress she works with at the Spotlight Diner wasn’t exactly in Santana’s plans, but she’s not mad about it.

Dani is gorgeous and confident and takes Santana completely by surprise. She doesn’t know how to do this, to handle someone who is so forward and so obviously into her. With boys it was different, she didn’t really care about them. With Brittany, they were best friends first. With the girls in Louisville, they were either just curious about experimenting or drunken hookups. 

So yeah, Dani is something so overwhelming she sends Santana into a panic that _Rachel Berry_ of all people talks her down from. Secretly, she wishes that she could talk to Brittany about it, but Brittany’s like, super busy at MIT and - well, Santana just doesn’t know if they even _should_ talk about this stuff between them.

But before she knows it, Rachel is meddling her way in and Santana’s watching the sunrise with Dani before kissing her goodbye and it all feels...right.

Dani is the first girl she doesn’t compare to Brittany.

Santana thinks, finally, she’s starting to move on.

It's not that Santana doesn’t want to tell Brittany, but they’re both so busy with their new lives that she kind of just...forgets. Brittany brings it up one day over text, telling her the picture she posted on Facebook with her new girlfriend is cute, and Santana deflates just a little.

She should be happy Brittany isn’t making a big deal of this. There’s no jealous ex drama and Brittany doesn’t seem mad she hadn’t shared this information. But something about it catches her off guard.

(For some reason, she hates to think Brittany’s moving on, too.)

* * *

Santana thinks this is what an out of body experience feels like.

Finn is gone and she can’t quite comprehend it, but she knows she has to be the strong one in the apartment. Kurt just lost his step-brother and Rachel - well, she loved him more than anyone.

So Santana goes through the motions, putting them in bed, making them food, booking flights and holding them while they cry until they’re all back in Lima. Santana crawls into her old bed, tears falling the instant her head hits her pillow.

She and Finn were complicated. They hated each other - or at least, she hated Finn more often than not. But he was a guy who was trying and _cared_ about Santana like no other guy did. Sure, he looked like a giant lump and maybe he had a total of two brain cells on a good day, but Santana could never outright hate him, couldn’t push him away like she did with everyone else.

She still doesn’t understand it, how Finn wormed his way into her stupid heart, even just a little, but knowing he’s gone feels like she’s lost a part of herself.

When her phone rings, she considers ignoring it but when she reads the caller ID, she picks up immediately.

“Tell me you’re coming home.”

Santana sounds so broken and desperate, so unlike herself, but Brittany doesn’t miss a beat.

_“Of course I am.”_

It’s clear Brittany’s been crying too, and Santana wishes more than anything she could be with her right now. She closes her eyes as a new onslaught of tears threaten to come.

“Can you stay on the phone?” Santana asks in an impossibly small voice.

 _“Yeah,”_ Brittany answers without hesitation.

Neither of them say much, but Santana doesn’t think she’d be able to get anything out anyway. She is too busy trying to calm her tears to no avail, but hearing the way Brittany breathes softly makes her feel less alone. She can feel it, the way Brittany just _knows_ she needs her here right now, the closest she can get. They stay on the phone until Santana finally falls asleep to the sound of Brittany’s breathing.

(In those moments before sleep overcomes her, it feels like Brittany is next to her and not all the way at MIT.)

Less than twenty-four hours later, Brittany _is_ in her bed, looking like a zombie version of herself - which, Santana probably looks the same - and they hold each other and cry while they try to understand how something like this has happened. Santana cries into Brittany’s chest shamelessly, and Brittany holds her, steady like always, as she cries into Santana’s hair. It’s the first time Santana hasn’t felt like she’s had to be strong for anyone - not Rachel or Kurt, not her parents - and she lets herself mourn and struggle knowing Brittany is right here and she _gets it._

Santana holds onto Brittany like her world will crumble if she lets go.

It’s enough to get her through the funeral the next day, where both she and Brittany are strong for Quinn who completely breaks down. Santana’s never quite seen her like this, so broken and uncontrollably open about it. They flank Quinn’s sides and dutifully hold her hand the whole way through, Santana biting back tears.

Santana doesn’t realize until she’s at the reception with all her friends how much she’s missed being around them. Here, Santana feels like everything is just a little more bearable. She stays close to Brittany the whole time, and when Brittany occasionally puts a hand on the small of her back, Santana breathes a little easier.

New York seems like another reality when Santana is feeling every emotion pass through her every time she sees the picture of Finn on display.

She’s so terribly grateful that she doesn’t have to ask Brittany to stay the night again. Brittany understands without words, showing up on Santana’s doorstep that evening after changing and packing a bag for the night. Santana steals a bottle of her parents' wine before they lock themselves in her bedroom and sit on the floor, taking turns drinking.

All Santana can think of in this moment is how much energy she spent being angry with Finn all these years. She hates it, the way she can’t take any of it back or make it up somehow.

“I was always the biggest bitch to him,” Santana says when she brings it up, her eyes closed as she focuses on the way Brittany’s shoulder presses against hers.

Brittany seems to sense where her train of thought is going and she’s immediately putting the bottle down and forcing Santana to face her. Tears begin to form behind Santana’s closed eyelids.

“Hey, don’t do that.”

When she opens her eyes, Brittany’s expression is soft but her brows are furrowed.

“It’s true,” Santana insists with a whine.

“He knew that was how you showed your love to him. Why do you think he’d always ask you to come back and visit after you graduated?” Brittany asks gently with the smallest of smiles, taking Santana’s hand in hers. “He didn’t hate you, San.”

Santana tries to keep her tears at bay with a sniff. “He was too nice to me. He was such a good person.”

“So are you,” Brittany counters immediately.

She knows that’s what Brittany believes, because Brittany has somehow always seen the best in her, but Santana can’t believe it herself. So she just looks at Brittany helplessly as the tears start to fall, and it doesn’t take much longer before she is collapsing against Brittany. They cry on the floor of her bedroom, wine bottle forgotten, for what seems like hours before they are crawling into Santana’s bed.

This time, Santana wraps her arms around Brittany, who is still whimpering and sniffling, as a reminder that she’s not alone. Brittany rests against her, and it should be concerning how quickly Santana falls asleep with Brittany in her arms.

(It should be equally as concerning that she hasn’t texted or even really thought about Dani once since Brittany’s come home.

But the thought hardly crosses Santana’s mind, especially when Brittany relaxes in her arms.)

She kisses Brittany’s forehead the next morning, feeling light when she notices how Brittany smiles, just a little.

“I can’t come to Mr. Schue’s memorial. There’s this seminar I can’t miss.”

Santana tries not to think too hard about the way her stomach drops and her chest aches at the news. She hopes the disappointment doesn’t show on her face.

“We’ll miss you,” she assures the blonde.

 _I’ll miss you,_ Santana wants to say.

She thinks Brittany understands by the way she hugs Santana fiercely before she goes.

* * *

As if Santana doesn’t have enough going on in her life, she’s booking a last minute flight to Lima because glee club is over and Mr. Schue wants to be all emotional and sad about it.

Gross.

Though, Santana does admit, it’s nice getting to see everyone again. It’s nice to see _Brittany_ again. Being in the choir room with everyone is bringing back a flood of memories that Santana isn’t quite ready to relive just yet, but she and Brittany still sit in the back next to each other like usual, and something about the reality of it all being over starts to hit Santana harder than she’d like.

“Hey math genius,” Santana teases with a smile.

Brittany grins at the greeting and Santana is suddenly really, _really_ glad they’re together again. The feeling only swells when Quinn makes a beeline for them upon arrival, pulling them into a tight hug.

At least Santana knows she’s not the only one feeling some type of way about this entire situation.

But then Brittany disappears after looking stressed while mumbling something about some equation and Santana meets Quinn’s new boyfriend who _reeks_ of pretentiousness and arrogance and suddenly she’s confused on what the hell is going on. 

So of course, as usual, Santana comes up with a plan to remind her best friends about the hot bitches they _still_ are, and for those few minutes, she thinks it’s works. There’s always been something about those moments when they’ve performed, whether it was for glee club or the Cheerios, that just felt so _right._ Even without much practice, they are still in sync as ever.

But as quickly as it starts it ends because Quinn is defending her lame excuse of a boyfriend who wasn’t even paying attention and Brittany is visibly upset about how she was off by one-sixteenth of a second - how do you even _notice_ that? - and Santana feels like she’s back at square one.

“No, I need to focus on what I’m good at,” Brittany insists. “Quantitative algorithms, and if there’s any time left in the day, hosting my popular internet talk show.”

She walks away before Santana can respond, leaving the brunette wondering what the hell MIT has done to _her Brittany._

It’s not until she finds Brittany using the school’s chess club to reenact some match from whatever when Santana realizes what’s going on. Brittany’s losing who she is; she’s forgetting what’s always made her feel best: _not thinking._ For as long as Santana’s known her, Brittany’s never put too much thought into anything. Now, she’s all in her head and Santana knows exactly what she needs.

She’s immediately cornering Mike who grins big when she tells him her plan. 

“You know this is basically an intervention, right?” Mike asks, but he’s still smiling.

Santana snorts. “As if that wasn’t what half our glee club meetings were, anyway.”

And even though Brittany initially resists, Santana can see the way she’s itching to dance along when Mike pulls Santana towards him and they dance together. Quinn is tugging at Brittany’s jacket playfully, knowing just as much as Santana does how badly their best friend wants to join in. When Brittany finally shrugs her jacket off and makes her way over, Santana can’t keep the excitement off her face.

Brittany doesn’t look away from her for a second, and Santana can see the light in her eyes and the way her body moves with ease.

Santana is reminded of a younger version of themselves, wide-eyed and excited they were _finally_ getting their moment on stage with this song. They were both terrified - Santana _insisted_ she wasn’t, but Brittany knew better - but a simple glance at each other and they knew they were going to be okay, because they were in it _together._

Santana has the biggest smile on her face when it ends, Brittany’s arm still around her.

“See? This is who you are. This is what happens when you don’t think about it.”

Brittany smiles shyly. “It felt good.”

“Of course it did,” she laughs knowingly.

Brittany’s full of laughter and bright eyes after that, and Santana can do nothing more than just soak it all in because _her Brittany_ is back.

* * *

The last thing Santana expects is for Brittany to kiss her.

It takes her by complete surprise, but she finds herself drawn in like she always has been, and the pit of her stomach feels like it’s been lit on fire. Brittany has _always_ been her weakness. Her mouth tastes mostly like the churros they’re eating, but also of strawberry chapstick and that sweetness that Santana’s never been able to pinpoint, even after years of kissing Brittany. 

It isn’t until Brittany is deepening the kiss that Santana is reminded of a _very_ important fact.

_You have a girlfriend in New York waiting for you to come home._

Santana jerks back quickly, leaving a dazed Brittany in her wake. She has to get a hold on what’s going on.

“O-okay, this is a bad idea,” she points out, trying not to get dizzy because Brittany is still so close and her eyes are half open and _god_ the way their lips fit together is something Santana’s never quite understood.

Brittany looks guilty as she shrinks back, like she hadn’t even realized what she’d done until it was over, eyes avoiding Santana.

An uncomfortable silence settles on them as they both try to grasp what just happened.

They can’t do this again. Brittany can’t be doing this to her. Santana’s heart has been through the ringer with her already. She has a _girlfriend_ who really likes her, who might even love her.

Brittany can’t do this.

After all the crying and wallowing and hurt, Santana has finally found someone who makes her feel something again, someone who she wants to fall in love with one day.

(...but that’s the problem, isn’t it? She’s not in love with Dani, not right now.)

Brittany surprises her by speaking up. “It feels really good to be around you. You make me feel like a girl again, like my body wakes up.”

Santana quickly averts her gaze, her heart beating so loudly she’s sure Brittany can hear it. She hates how much hope fills her chest at the sound of the words, how she knows, deep down, she’s wanted to hear something like this for so long.

“Please don’t do this, okay? I have worked my ass off to get over you,” she informs Brittany.

But Brittany doesn’t seem deterred. She stands in front of Santana and when their eyes meet, Santana realizes Brittany’s mind has been made.

“I really want to be with you, Santana. I’ve seen the world and I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you,” Brittany states clearly, no trace of hesitation or _what if._

Santana almost feels like she’s been punched in the gut by the way Brittany’s words hit her. Brittany being so sure that Santana is _it_ for her takes her back to high school when Brittany was so sure of Santana, so sure Santana could be the girl whose insides match her outsides.

“And I’m sure your girlfriend’s great, but you can’t recreate what you and I have.”

Santana’s mouth drops open at the statement, and she _wants_ to say something - anything - but no words come out. Brittany left her speechless and her head is kind of spinning and she is _so_ terribly confused.

Before she knows it, Brittany leans in and leaves a soft kiss on her cheek. Santana takes in the scent of vanilla and strawberry and everything else that smells like Brittany before the blonde is pulling away. She can’t help the way her eyes fall to Brittany’s lips, if only for a second.

“If you want me, I’m here.”

Brittany walks out of the room and Santana is left there, mouth hanging open.

_I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you._

* * *

It should be a difficult decision.

Santana should be torn, unsure of herself.

But she’s not.

When they all meet in the auditorium at the end of the day, Santana stands so close to Brittany that their shoulders touch. It’s not a complete answer, and there are things they have to figure out - things _Santana_ has to figure out - but it’s a start. She doesn’t have all the words she wants to say, but she hopes Brittany gets it.

Brittany understands immediately, hiding a smile as she tries not to lean into Santana’s touch.

* * *

It takes Santana almost two hours to finally pick up the phone and call Dani.

She’s never been the type to call things off over the phone when she’s in a whole different state, but Santana knows she can’t wait. She can’t wait because Dani deserves better than someone who’s still madly in love with her best friend. She can’t wait because every time she and Brittany lock eyes in that damn choir room or in the school halls, Santana knows they are both thinking of soft kisses and red skirts and pinkies linked together. She can’t wait because every time Brittany looks at her, Santana hates that she can’t give her what she wants, that Brittany is waiting for her and damn it, Brittany’s done more than enough waiting for the both of them over the years.

Her voice trembles when she speaks, trying to find the right words to say. Dani is all kinds of angry and upset, and Santana can’t blame her, not when everything was fine when she left. They both cry, and Dani says terrible things, but Santana doesn’t hold it against her. She’s pretty sure she deserves at least some of it, karma and all that. But when she finally hangs up, Santana doesn’t feel like her world just ended.

She thinks of Brittany and her warm smile and hope fills Santana’s chest.

* * *

When Brittany surprises her in the choir room with a shit ton of lilies, Santana panics just a little.

When Brittany holds up two one-way tickets in her hand for some lesbian island, her panic increases.

Brittany is very clearly pulling out _all_ the stops and right now, it’s almost too much to handle.

And of _course_ she wants nothing more to give in to Brittany, but Santana’s been down this road before and she is so terrified that it won’t work out again. She is terrified that this is just a fleeting feeling, that Brittany might wake up one day and realize she’s always deserved better than Santana.

She doesn’t think she can take heartbreak again.

“Brittany, I love you,” Santana says as she leads them to the couch, and her breath catches when she realizes it’s the first time she’s said it out loud in so long - and she notices the way Brittany perks up at the words - but she has to focus. “but running away with me and living on a lesbian island is not what you want to do. You just don’t want to go back to MIT.”

Brittany, for her part, is undeterred by Santana’s speculation. In fact, she doesn’t even let it phase her as Santana goes on.

“It’s not your dream, and neither is being with me.”

Santana swallows the lump in her throat as she says, looking away from Brittany for just a moment. It hurts to put it out there, but Santana has to look out of herself, has to keep herself from hurting again.

She has to be sure.

But Brittany surprises her, calling her out on the whole Broadway-sized mess Santana’s found herself in. She falls back into old habits, getting defensive because she _knows_ Brittany’s right. Her best friend knows better, knows this side of Santana probably better than anyone else. Brittany talks about dreams and walking away and being happy, _Santana_ being happy, and it’s like everything inside of Santana has finally been released. Her stress and anxiety and pure dread that’s haunted her since she auditioned for that stupid musical float away and all Santana feels is _BrittanyBrittanyBrittany._

Santana tells her as much, opting to cuddle against Brittany and she feels her whole body relax as she fits into a space that she thinks is made for her, Brittany’s fingers trailing up and down her arms gently.

“I’m just the world’s foremost expert in the field of Santana Lopez,” Brittany informs her with a smirk, making Santana laugh at her accent when she says her name.

There’s a pause and then, “So, what do you want to do?”

Santana knows Brittany is asking about her whole Broadway situation. She knows Brittany is trying to help her walk away from something she’d had her eyes set but never really wanted. But right now, all Santana can think about is how Brittany is _so_ close and how she already misses the way Brittany’s lips feel against hers.

“I want to kiss you,” Santana admits quietly.

She feels Brittany’s head turn and looks up, her eyes wide and nervous. Santana feels like a very real chance that Brittany’s changed her mind in the last ten minutes, that she’s already missed her window.

Brittany is breathless when she asks, “Yeah?”

It’s the way her eyes hold the same nervousness and how Santana can feel the way Brittany’s chest tightens like she can’t quite believe it’s real.

It’s enough to make Santana sure.

She licks her lips and nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

There’s a beat of electric anticipation, that moment where either of them could readily back out if they wanted. But then Santana is leaning in and Brittany’s meeting her halfway and - yeah, they’ve kissed so many times before, but somehow this feels like the first time all over again.

It’s slow and unsure and they are both so afraid of ruining it with one mistake.

Santana thinks about the first time they kissed, how she told herself those feelings in her stomach were nothing more than a fleeting thing. It was just the sheer excitement of doing something new with her best friend.

Now, Santana knows those feelings will never go away. She never wants them to, anyway.

“I missed you,” Santana breathes out when they finally pull away after what seems like hours. “So much.”

Brittany is flushed and happy, her eyes shining in a way Santana’s missed. She brushes hair out of Santana’s face as she responds, “I love you, Santana.”

Santana knows she looks like a child on Christmas morning at the sound of those words and doesn’t even feel embarrassed about it as she answers, “I love you, too.”

And even though Quinn finds them on top of each other a moment later, Santana doesn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it. She takes her time, sitting up slowly and scowling at Quinn only because she knows Quinn’s got a smart comment up her ass.

But Quinn looks at them fondly, no bite in her words, and Santana knows Quinn understands what she's walked in on.

“You know,” she tells them a few minutes later, once her and Santana’s bickering has come to a stop. “I think we all knew you’d find your way back to each other.”

Santana loves the way Brittany squeezes her hand in agreement.

* * *

Santana is so stupidly in love with Brittany she can’t believe she ever tried to tell herself otherwise.

No Funny Girl rehearsals and no Spotlight Diner shifts have Santana staying in Lima with Brittany for the time being. She’s not in a rush to get back to New York, not when she wakes up to bright blue eyes and a soft _I love you_ every single morning. Most days feel like a dream with no responsibilities and houses usually to themselves with their parents at work, and Santana thinks she wants to live like this forever.

Which is how Santana gets her idea for a graduation present for Brittany. But graduation is around the corner and when Brittany says she wasn’t going to walk because she technically graduated before she left for MIT, Santana decides that just won’t do. She’s marching into Sue’s office the next day while Brittany catches up with Mike and demands Brittany gets to graduate with the rest of them. Honestly, it’s not _that_ much of a fight, and Sue maybe even smiles knowingly at one point, but either way, Santana gets her way.

She tries her best to keep her excitement at bay, but she’s pretty sure Brittany knows _something_ has to be up, because Santana can’t keep glancing at Mike in the other row, who smiles big every time they look at each other, but the look on Brittany’s face when Sue reads out her name causes a swell of love and adoration in Santana’s chest.

“I figured everyone deserves a high school graduation,” Santana explains as she fixes the cap onto Brittany’s head, beaming. “Even if it’s a year late.”

She kisses Brittany’s cheek, quick and bold, before Mike is sliding a gown onto her girlfriend and Santana’s sure her cheers are the loudest as she watches Brittany walk across the stage. She turns back to look at Brittany’s family farther back in the auditorium and she watches as her mother sheds a tear, clutching at her chest.

Santana thinks back to a year ago at Breadstix, when Brittany broke the news. She thinks of all the anger and hurt and frustration on both ends, but she’s always known something other people have been too slow to understand: Brittany S. Pierce is a goddamn genius.

Brittany disappears somewhere between her parents fawning over her and Tina coming over and pulling Santana into an uncharacteristic hug, but Santana knows just where to find her. With tickets in her hand, she walks down the hall feeling like she’s clutching her heart in her hands.

This week has felt like a dream she never wants to wake up from. Having Brittany by her side - well, Santana’s sure she never wants to lose her again. She has no idea what the future holds, but she knows she wants Brittany with her.

Brittany can see the nerves right away, and Santana notices the way panic seeps into her expression.

“You don’t want to run away with me, do you?”

“What? No no no no, of _course_ I do,” Santana assures her with a smile, the thought of nothing else but Brittany and a tropical island on the forefront of her mind.

Holding up the tickets in her hands, she slowly explains that Lesbos is just an island full of tourists. Brittany chuckles at that, because of course Brittany would, and Santana falls in love with her just a little more as she’s quickly laying out the new plan she’s come up with.

“I want you to come to New York with me,” Santana tells her, eyes big and hopeful.

It feels surreal, equating New York with _home_ for both her and Brittany. She feels her heart all but melt when Brittany turns bashful, biting her lip in that awfully adorable way.

“Is that a yes?” Santana asks, just to be sure.

“Yes,” Brittany grins.

Santana’s face beams before she’s leaning in to give Brittany a quick kiss. Brittany’s arms quickly wrap around her back, hugging her tight before she’s peppering kisses all over Santana’s face.

Santana is sure, now more than ever, that Brittany makes every idea of love make sense.

* * *

For the first time in what feels like forever, Santana has absolutely no worries in the world.

Her biggest concern is what she’ll be having for breakfast and making sure she and Brittany don’t burn to a crisp under the sun. It’s like a chance to re-learn everything about Brittany, about _them_ without interruption and Santana soaks in every bit of it.

The last thing Santana expects, though, is that Brittany teaches her how to forgive herself. Because if Santana’s being honest, the fact has never been lost on her that she’s the reason they ended up in such a shitty situation in the first place. _She’s_ the one who broke up with Brittany. _She_ told Brittany to move on.

In the end, she’s pretty sure they just hurt each other even more.

When she brings this up to Brittany as they lay on the beach, her girlfriend only runs her fingers along Santana’s cheek tenderly, nothing but love in her eyes when she explains, “Breaking up really sucked, but I think we needed to be apart for a little, even if deep down we didn’t want to be. We both grew a lot and learned about ourselves and became better people for each other, don’t you think?” 

Santana can’t do much else besides stare at Brittany as if she’s the smartest person in the entire world - which, she totally is. It’s like it all makes sense now, the hurt and the pain and the _growing up_ of it all. She thinks back to being eighteen, of the endless possibilities ahead of them. She thinks of all they’ve been through this past year, of how much they’ve matured and lived through only to come back together again.

“We were waiting for the right time, and now’s the right time,” Brittany finishes, a small smile playing at her lips like she’s just solved the easiest problem.

Santana smiles back immediately, so wide she’s sure her dimples are creasing her cheeks deeply. It’s clear now that Brittany’s long since forgiven her for breaking both their hearts that day in the choir room. She’s forgiven her for doing, inevitably, what had to be done and that she has always known, somehow, someway they would make it through. Because Brittany has always known before Santana, has always been a step ahead of her when it comes to _them_ and waits for Santana to understand in her own time.

“You, Brittany S. Pierce, are a genius,” Santana informs her, leaning over and kissing her quickly. “How did I get so lucky, having such an awesome girlfriend?”

Brittany looks at her cheekily as she answers, “By being equally as awesome.”

Santana lets out a laugh, loud and carefree before she’s kissing her girlfriend without abandon. Here, in Brittany’s arms, she’s starting to believe her.

* * *

It’s somewhere between meeting up with Mercedes and Brittany for tour in Reno and their fifth stop that Santana comes to a jolting realization.

She wants to spend the rest of her life with Brittany S. Pierce.

She can’t name the exact _aha_ moment. Maybe it’s when she watches Brittany kill the choreography _she_ came up with from the wings of the stage one night, hitting every beat flawlessly. Or maybe it’s when they’re lounging around their hotel room the morning before a show, Brittany’s blonde hair a tangled mess and her bright, blue eyes only awake enough to light up at the sight of Santana. Or maybe, even, it’s their off day in Seattle when Brittany buys her flowers and tells Santana she couldn’t find flowers as pretty as her girlfriend.

Either way, Santana’s sure that Brittany is _it_ and she can’t leave it up to chance.

This understanding should startle her; she’s barely twenty-one and never thought she’d be the type to marry young, but she’s nothing but excited and nervous and all kinds of _good_ emotions that make her jumpy. She has to tell someone, but Brittany is obviously out of the question - she wants to properly propose, obviously - and she can’t trust Mercedes to keep a secret, not since she told everyone who Quinn’s baby daddy really was sophomore year - so she calls Quinn.

Santana is all flushed cheeks and bashful eyes and wide smile when she murmurs it so quietly that she thinks Quinn misses it.

_“Oh Santana.”_

Quinn’s voice is soft and understanding, like there was never another choice. She’s smiling like she’s always known, like she’s just been waiting for her two best friends to figure it out.

“You don’t think I’m crazy?” Santana questions skeptically.

She was _sure_ of all people, Quinn would be the first to tell her she’s insane, considering her reaction to Rachel and Finn in high school.

 _“Santana, you and Brittany have been crazy about each other before you even realized it,”_ she explains with a nostalgic smile. _“You’re meant for each other.”_

Santana lets out a sigh she hadn’t even realized she was holding before she laughs, shaking her head.

“I love her so much,” Santana sighs. “I just...I want this forever.”

Quinn smirks. _“Brittany’s turned you into a pile of mush.”_

Santana glares at her phone, but it lacks the usual threat. “Don’t make me fly all the way to New Haven to slap you.”

 _“Whatever,”_ Quinn chuckles. _“So...what kind of ring are we thinking?”_

Santana’s eyes glisten before she’s rattling off the kind of ring she thinks would be perfect for Brittany, and Quinn is all smiles and nods and suggestions.

Sometimes, Santana is sure she’ll blurt it out. Like when Brittany’s hair falls in her face as she dances around the hotel room while they get ready, or when she leaves a wet kiss on Santana’s cheek as they both brush their teeth before bed. She is so in love with Brittany that she wants to ask her to marry her as they get ready for bed, but somehow manages to hold back.

(She does, however, tell Mercedes towards the end of the tour.

Mercedes just rolls her eyes as says, “That explains why you’ve been weirdly happy.”

Santana punches her arm.)

* * *

Being back in the hallways of McKinley High makes Santana feel like she’s eighteen again, so excited for the future and feeling unstoppable with Brittany by her side. It’s not far off, not when she and Brittany tug each other down the halls and around the school like they used to. They are older and wiser now, more understanding of the world and each other, and Santana can’t seem to let go of Brittany at all - always a touch or an arm around her or a press of their shoulders.

Santana used to be so afraid of touching Brittany like this, for everyone to interpret it exactly how she means it.

Now, Santana thinks she won’t survive without keeping Brittany close, without reminding everyone how much she loves her girlfriend.

Coming home for homecoming had always been the plan, but Rachel asking them to stay another week had been the perfect opportunity the lay _her_ plan into action, the one she thinks about nonstop to the point where Quinn tells her to stop texting her at ungodly hours of the night or else she _will_ be slapped when they each other again.

And yeah, maybe she denies it when Brittany points it out, but she kind of _likes_ being back here, helping stupid Berry get glee club back on its feet. She may not have a solid idea of what she wants to do with her life, but to help kids have what glee club gave her - well, it’s the least she can do.

Santana can’t quite explain the feeling in her chest, like she’s so happy she could burst. She thinks of who she used to be, that scared little girl who was too afraid to love her best friend completely.

Without glee club and those dumb losers, she doesn’t think she’d be here today, kissing Brittany because she feels like it and fitting into her side when Brittany wraps an arm around her.

“You think we’ll ever get sick of coming back here?” Brittany asks curiously.

“I don’t know,” Santana answers honestly, eyes watching the flames of the bonfire. “There’s just so many memories here. It’s like, part of who we are, I guess.”

Brittany hums in agreement. “I like the memories we had here.”

“All of them?” Santana asks, looking up at her with curious eyes.

Brittany knows exactly what Santana’s asking. She nods, letting out a soft sigh as her hand slips into Santana’s, intertwining their fingers together.

“Without it all, I wouldn’t be right here with you,” Brittany shrugs. “I’d do it all over again, even the sad and bad things, if it means I get to sit here with the person I love more than anyone in the world.”

Santana’s expression softens because she gets it. Things weren’t always easy, but they always found their way back to each other. For all the heartbreak they caused each other, they somehow managed to come back.

Brittany’s words remind her of the end of junior year, the hopeful way they looked at each other at their lockers, linking pinkies and knowing that they were on the brink of something new.

“I would too,” she responds softly, eyes never leaving Brittany.

Brittany looks at her as if she put the stars up in the sky and Santana can’t name anything better than the way those pretty blue eyes make her seem like the most important thing in the world. She doesn’t think she’ll ever stop falling in love with Brittany, not when she keeps looking at her this way.

Santana is warm and happy and her chest swells when Brittany pulls her closer and it’s at that moment again where she feels the overwhelming urge to blurt those damn words out.

It’s a far cry from who Santana used to be, of those days where she couldn’t even tell herself the truth. She thinks of how far they’ve come, of how far _she’s_ come and how patient and understanding Brittany has been this whole time. There is no more front she puts up, no more pushing people away. There is only her and Brittany and the people she’s grown to care about.

Across the bonfire, Santana finds Quinn’s knowing gaze. Quinn’s eyebrows raise as if to say _just a little longer._

Santana thinks to the little box hidden away in her childhood bedroom and her heart beats a little faster.

_Soon._

* * *

_I will love you until infinity, Santana Lopez._

Santana prides herself in not responding with _marry me_ and instead, “I’ll love you until infinity, too, Britt.” 

But it’s there, on the forefront of her mind, and she just hopes she can hold on for like, another twelve-ish hours.

She’s so sure Brittany’s onto her the next morning because Santana can’t stop moving, jumpy and all kinds of excited. But when Brittany asks, Santana sweetly talks her way around it, insisting that she’s just excited about their duet.

“Singing with you in that choir room? One of my favorite things to do,” she says over breakfast.

And it’s not a lie at all because it’s true; almost all their best memories take place in that damn room. Santana’s just hoping to add another one today.

Brittany’s won over, kissing Santana’s cheek before she pours them coffee and Santana’s body thrums with anticipation at the thought of them doing this morning routine every day, in a place of their own.

And yeah, maybe they’re a little late because Brittany practically jumps into Santana’s lap as soon as she parks the car, but Santana doesn’t even care because all she thinks about is _BrittanyBrittanyBrittany_ as their lips meet again and again.

Rachel eyes them with slight irritation when they finally walk in, giggling like teenagers, but Santana pays no mind to that either. Instead, she catches Quinn’s eye, unable to hide her wide grin as her friend smiles knowingly.

Singing with Brittany in the choir room fills Santana with so much unexplainable joy that she hopes it never ends. It’s hard to remember that there’s other people here, that she has a plan in place, that the very expensive ring she bought is with one of the band members. It’s hard to remember any of it when Brittany’s shooting her adoring and playful looks when she sings, when she plays off of Santana’s movements like they were made for each other.

It’s over before she can even realize it, and Santana’s heart races then, because she and Quinn are the only ones who know what comes next. Quinn gives her an encouraging nod and Santana breathes.

It’s time.

“And that is how a mashup is done everyone!” Rachel chirps.

“No actually this is,” Santana is quick to correct before looking at Brittany with a nervous smile. “Britt, can you take a seat?”

“Okay,” Brittany nods, shooting Santana a hesitant smile, the question clear in her eyes.

Santana takes a breath before she starts, “I figured that this is as good a place as any to ask you this question, mainly because it’s going all the single guys and gals in here, but I want to mash up with you forever, Britt.”

To say it out loud to Brittany, to all these people in this very room, Santana feels lighter. Because years ago, she would’ve rather the earth swallow her whole before ever admitting how she feels about the girl in front of her in this same room.

Santana continues on, and she finds herself rambling and unable to stop or slow down because she just _has_ to tell Brittany, she _has_ to know.

“Some people love someone because they make them a better person and that’s not why I love you. You’ve always just wanted me to be myself. You’re my favorite person in the world and we’re a big deal, you know? No matter how many times we try to put our thing down and walk away we can’t because I don’t want to live my life without my one true love.”

Brittany softens, and Santana sees the band girl approach them out of the corner of her eye. She tries to reign it back in, tries not to be a complete mess in front of the woman she loves.

“I usually use a lot of words when I’m saying something negative so since this is the most positive thing I’m ever going to do…” she trails off, taking the box from the girl as Brittany lets out a soft gasp. “I’ll keep it simple.”

Her eyes never leave Brittany, who is all sorts of shocked and excited. Santana gets down on her knee, popping the box open as the butterflies flap rapidly in her stomach, heart thumping in her chest.

“Brittany S. Pierce, will you marry me?”

Brittany’s hand flies up to cover her mouth in shock, and for the tiniest moment, Santana panics in her head. But then she watches as Brittany’s eyes start to water and Santana just _knows_ there’s a smile behind her hand. She hardly even registers Puck and the Rodney kid behind them, Brittany’s the only thing that matters in this room.

Before she even utters out a response, Brittany is reaching out and plucking the ring out of the box with a nod.

“Oh my god, I would love to,” Brittany breathes out, placing the ring on her own finger.

And yeah, deep down, she knew this would be how it went, but Santana’s eyes still go wide as she asks, “Really?”

She’s standing up as Brittany nods furiously, repeating all over again, “I would love to!” before Santana wraps her arms around her. Santana holds Brittany protectively, because she thinks her whole world is right here in her arms and she never wants to let go. 

_Brittany said yes._

Brittany clutches her tightly, kissing Santana’s hair before she’s whispering, “I love you until infinity.”

Santana grins into Brittany’s neck, unable to get the words out because she can’t quite believe they’re here. There is a ring on Brittany’s finger and _Santana’s_ the one who gave it to her and it’s really what Santana secretly wished for for so long.

This room taught them so much, from the fights and the heartbreaks and stupid boys who never lasted to falling together again and again.

This is where they fell in love, and Santana knows they’ve just added one more moment in their lives in this room before they start something new.

* * *

Getting married in a barn in Indiana where apparently her fiancee was born isn’t exactly where she thought she’d have her wedding, but weirdly enough she kind of falls in love with the idea when Brittany’s mother drags them out and explains the whole story.

Santana is so in love with Brittany she doesn’t even care, and she knows her friends will somehow make their magic happen, so she doesn’t stress about it, or any of the wedding planning really.

Brittany, however, seems to spiral the closer they get to the day, and for a fleeting moment, Santana wonders if this is a sign Brittany’s getting cold feet, but she quickly pushes that aside. Because this is _Brittany,_ who looks at her like she’s the best thing since unicorns and won’t stop looking at her ring every chance she gets.

All her doubts disappear when Brittany stages an entire scheme in attempts to get her abuela to attend their wedding, and Santana falls impossibly harder because Brittany has the biggest heart and kindest soul and Santana is so sure she’s got more than enough love in her life to keep her steady.

“Santana,” Brittany giggles, attempting to push her off of her. “You need to go stay in your own house!”

Santana rolls her eyes, pulling away from Brittany’s neck. “As if I could spend a night away from you.”

“It’s bad luck,” Brittany whines.

Santana wants to believe she’s joking, but she can see the worry in those blue eyes and sits up so she’s looking down at Brittany.

“I told you, we’re going to be fine,” Santana reminds her as she brushes stray hairs away from Brittany’s face.

“I don’t want to risk it,” Brittany admits, feeling impossibly small.

Santana frowns a little, shaking her head. “I’ll love you until infinity and you’ll love me until infinity, okay? Nothing changes that.”

Brittany’s lips turn up into a little smile at that, and she reaches up and caresses Santana’s cheek softly.

“You’re the best wife,” Brittany tells her cheekily.

Santana laughs. “Not a wife yet, remember?”

“You will be tomorrow.”

Brittany looks a little breathless at the thought, like she can’t quite believe it. Neither can Santana, honestly, and she can’t wait.

“And so will you,” Santana hums, leaning down to kiss Brittany softly. “And just to make you feel better, I’ll go back to my parents’ place tonight.”

Brittany grins at that, but then she’s pulling Santana down for a long, slow kiss and Santana begins to lose the willpower she has to leave.

“I’ll miss you, San,” Brittany sighs when she pulls away.

Santana leaves a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll miss you, too.”

Maybe Santana thinks superstitions are dumb, but god she’d do just about anything for Brittany.

“We’ll be fine,” Santana reminds her as she walks out the door with a smile. “I know it.”

And she’s _right._ She’s right because she loves Brittany and Brittany loves her and that’s all they’ve ever needed, really. They make their own luck, always have. She reminds Brittany one more time before they walk the aisle, in the middle of one last wedding-induced panic and Brittany kisses her like she’s trying to pour all her love into the kiss and Santana struggles to stay upright but she’s grinning like an idiot when they pull away.

“I love you so much,” Brittany hums, and Santana knows that all her worries have been put to rest by the way she smiles.

Santana feels like she’s in a dream she never wants to wake up from, with the most beautiful bride and her abuela showing up and telling Brittany all the reason she loves her in a room full of friends and family.

She thinks of how far she’s come, of how she wishes her scared seventeen-year-old self could see her now. Back then, she was too afraid to utter three words to Brittany, let alone other people. Now, it feels like there aren’t enough words to encapsulate all the ways she loves her best friend. But Brittany knows exactly what Santana doesn’t know how to say, because she still looks at Santana like they are young and popular and running around in red skirts. 

When Santana says “I do,” Brittany’s eyes shine in a way that tells Santana that’s all she’s ever wanted to hear Santana say.

She hopes she never wakes up from this dream.

Santana never understood the concept of love when she was younger.

She just didn’t get it then, but she definitely does now.

She understands because Brittany walked into her life and never looked back all those years ago. No matter how long it took Santana to figure it out, or how stubborn she was, or how often they ended up breaking each other’s hearts in poor attempts to protect each other, they always come back together. Brittany didn’t give up on Santana at all, and she certainly didn’t give up on _them._

Brittany S. Pierce makes love make sense in the sweetest of ways.

“I finally get to spend forever with you,” Santana whispers in a low voice when they dance together.

Brittany lets out a sweet laugh, Santana’s _favorite_ laugh, and kisses her temple before she promises, “Until infinity.”


End file.
